there are no words

Heartbreak.  I felt it all weekend.  I can’t stop empathizing with the families from Connecticut.  I see Aiden and Sloane in every one of those little faces.  I see myself in every one of those adults. 

I read a blog article yesterday called What Six Looks Like, it was as if someone climbed in my head and unscrambled all my thoughts of this tragedy.  If you have a chance, please read it.  

To sum up what she said in a couple of sentences (I am a brilliant summarizer) she said that six is simple.  Six is fun.  Six is easy.  Six loves cookies and ice cream for dinner and six loves playing in the rain.  Six loves to laugh and whine and throw little fits.  Six is supposed to be the beginning.   But for those twenty six and sevens, it was the end.  What I liked about this article is that it didn't make me cry for those babies, it made me realize what six is.  I look at Aiden sometimes and expect BIG things from him....he is five.  Five isn't a mind reader.  Five isn't a chef.  Five isn't independent.  Five is easy.  Five is carefree.  Five is not responsible.  Five is fun.

I can’t stop thinking about how those innocent children must have felt.  How scared they must have been.  How brave those women were.  How quickly all of those lives were taken.  How sad their families are and forever will be.  How heartbroken that community is.  And how changed the world is….TODAY.

Will we stay affected?  Will we make any changes?  Are there changes to make?  Will this happen again?  Will my kids be safe? Will I be safe? Who will answer all of my questions? 

There has been lots of shootings since Columbine, which was the first shooting that directly affected me.  I was in high school at that time.  I remember watching the media coverage of all the students running out of that building with their hands on their heads.  It was life changing to watch, for me.  I believe it had to have been life changing for all people to watch, but here we are 13 years later and there has been over 30 school shootings since that date. I bet you can’t name them.  I can’t.  I can’t tell you any other school shooting than Virginia Tech. So was Columbine really life changing for me? Did those teenagers and one teacher die for nothing? 

Has our world become so numb to shootings that we don’t even remember them?  Are we that ok with how are world works that we don’t find it to be a big deal until 27 peoples lives are lost due to one human?

Something has to be done.  Something.  I don't have the anwers.  I don't even think I have any ideas.  But what I know is that I love my kids at home and I love my kids at school.  How can I look at all of their faces and tell them they are safe, when they may not be?  

I squeeze my (at home) kids tighter now.  I kiss them more (which they really get annoyed with).  As much as Newtown has devastated me, I am so lucky.  I empathize with each one of those families. I can't and don't ever want to imagine their grief.

It's ok to be sad

Every Sunday is bittersweet for me.  I either wake up knowing that I will pick Aiden and Sloane up from their dads or wake up knowing I will drop Aiden and Sloane off with their dad.  On the days that I drop them off, I am sad.  Sad that I won't see them that night.  Sad that I won't tuck them in bed.  Sad that I won't read them their nightly story or sing them their nightly songs.  Sad that I won't know exactly what is going on in their little lives.

I chose my life.  I chose my divorce.  I chose for my kids to grow up like this.  So is it ok to be sad?  I believe it is.

I am ok with being sad anytime I am away from them.  I am ok with being sad anticipating being away from them.

I worry about their little souls all the time.  It is what parents do....we worry (see first blog).

I have accepted that it is ok to be sad. My decisions will always impact theirs, but I will do my best to make sure that my decisions positively impact their well being. Every parent wants happy and healthy children.  Lucky for me, I have that.  I will do my best to keep that.

kids and their friends

Aiden and his long time (of 5 years) friend Pressley came home with us from school the other day.  On our way home Pressley told Aiden all about the movie she saw that weekend.  It warmed my heart listening to them talk to each other and listen to what the other way saying.  Pressley told Aiden all about it and Aiden asked her questions, like grown ups.  It was neat to hear.  I had an instant, 'oh wow stop growing up' moment.

We went to the park after school---where we froze our rears off. 

Yesterday we went to the park with Amanda and her kiddos, where we didn't freeze b/c it was 70 degrees out.  I loved watching Aiden and Cecelia come up with games to play.  Aiden does a great job of including other kids (even though he would rather be playing football and wrestling).  Aiden, Sloane, and Cealy played Red Light/Green Light which was AWESOME to watch.  I love all these kids!

Broken Thumb

Aiden had a little accident with a bar stool last week.  He was standing under it and it fell forward....his little thumb was smashed in between the ground and the leg of the stool.  It immediately turned purple, but didn't swell up.  We "iced" it with corn, which you would have thought was poisonous.  He went to sleep later that night.....and slept ALL night. 

When we got up for school the next morning....wellllllll it was REALLY swollen.  REALLLLLY swollen.  I got him up, gave him some tylenol and said "alright bud, it will be ok let's go to school."  As soon as I dropped him off at school I had immediate guilt.  I felt like a terrible mother.  I called the school secretary and said I needed a sub.....dropped off Sloane....called Rebecca Matthews (my old co-worker who works at Aiden's school) and had her go get Aiden out of class and take him to her classroom....got to school....wrote my sub plans.....waited on the sub.  As soon as the sub got to school, I bolted.  Got to his school, picked him up, took him to medcheck and sat in the parking lot waiting for it to open.  Why was I rushing around?  I guess I should have checked med check's hours.

 We were second into the doctor....xrays done....

Fractured thumb....the tip of his thumb was fractured.  Awesome....call me MOM OF THE YEAR.  We went straight to a specialist to make sure that the fracture wasn't on a growth plate.  He has a metal brace thing that goes over his thumb.

He couldn't suck his thumb, which I thought was a blessing in disguise.  NOT....he is now a finger sucker.  Even BETTER.

For the Love....

As a parent there are times when you are simply overwhelmed.  I spent the last thirty minutes getting the kids ready for bed.  Reading our book, singing our three songs, and laying in bed with Sloane then Aiden.  Generally bed time is always an overwhelming time for me because I have very little patience at 8:00 at night. Not tonight.  I spent that thirty minutes gradually becoming more and more overwhelmed with the love that I have for these two people. 

There are times when you look at your kids and you become amazed at who they are.  They do little things that fill your heart and bring a smile to your face.  I stare at both my kids a lot.  I can tell you about every little line on their face and curl in their eyelashes and how each hair lays on their heads.  I can tell you where all their freckles are and what their fingernails look like and how perfectly round their bellies are.  I am a little obsessed with my kids, but I would never fool you...they make me crazy, a lot.  But all of those 'a lots' are overshadowed by short moments of overwhelming love. 

I was laying in bed with Sloane tonight and she rubbed my back.  SHE rubbed MY back.  Then she began to rub my cheeks.  She told me she loved me and laid her little hand on my arm.  It took my breath away. She took my breath away.  She is perfection.  She is love.  She is amazing.

Monday Kyle and I took the little people to Kohls to get them new stockings and I let them each pick out an ornament.  Sloane picked out Barbie (of course) and Aiden picked out a football player (no surprise to us).  When we got back to the house we got out of the car and Aiden looked at me and said, 'thanks mom.'  Now, I know this isn't a big deal.  Kids should say thank you all the time, but let's be honest....they don't.  They say it most often because we tell them to.  There was something about the way Aiden said 'thanks' that night.  He meant it.  He was genuine. He was happy. He was really thankful that he got the ornament and he knew it was something to be thankful for.  He is growing up each day.  He is becoming a boy.  He is perfection.  He is love.  He is amazing.

I am lucky.

Music

You ever hear a song and immediately get taken back to a moment in your life?  A moment that was not necessarily important or huge, but just a moment?  I swear music is like a time machine for me.  I hear songs and I am instantly taken back to a time in my life and reminded of something. 

Any time I hear the Titanic Theme Song I think of Leslie's funeral and when I hear a Garth Brooks song I think of her making up coordinating dance moves to match his words.  Anytime I hear KT Oslin I think of my mom and her sisters and usually think of our trips to South Padre.  When I hear Adele I think of my divorce and what a wonderful time that was.  Whenever Baby Got Back comes on the radio, I think of Shelly Simms, Annie Cosgrove and Nicole Wright (Hays) and I see them shaking their money makers. When I hear most country songs I think of Kyle.  I am pretty confident that we could create a country play list of songs that represent us, but most of "my people" aren't country fans....so don't worry I won't make you a Whitney loves Kyle CD for christmas. Whenever I hear Britney Spears I think of Amanda Larner and her minor obsession with that lady.  Whenever I hear Nelly's "Ride Wit Me" (yes, 'wit' not 'with') I think of Courtney Cohron and our dorm room freshman year.  When I hear any pop song nowadays I think of Sloane and picture her singing to it or think, 'Oh man, I bet Sloane would love this!'  Elton John makes me think of college and always playing him while Annie sat back in disgust (she still hasn't justified her dislike of him). Anytime I hear a Michelle Branch (bet you don't even remember her) song I think of Shelly Simms....guaranteed Shelly is googling that name as we speak :)

Music always puts me in a mood...good/bad/happy/sad. I like how music makes me want to tell a story.  It makes me want to share my moments in life with other people.  I like that my daughter has the same love for music as me.  When 'her songs' comes on the radio she lights up.  I love that about her.  I love that she will turn anything into a microphone and sing her little heart out. 

There are so many songs that make me think of a specific moment in time a specific place and specific emotion....does music do that to you?

Chicago and all 6 of us...

Kyle and I planned a quick weekend trip to Chicago for us and all four of our (Brady Bunch) kids.  We left on a Friday, around 4:30, and headed for Chi town.  We borrowed Gramma Lucy's van so I had the joy of driving a swagger wagon around for a couple of days.  I won't admit this to many people but I liked "the van"....yeah I said it, I liked it.  There was SO much room for the kids, so much room for me to move around in. It was nice, I won't be buying one tomorrow....or ever....but it was really nice.

So we got to Chicago around 7:00 and got checked into our room.  Aiden thought the room was AMAZING. It's funny how kids think hotel rooms are awesome.  It's also funny how adults think hotel rooms are awesome.  Here is what I see:

• a place that I don't have to clean.
• a place where I don't have to make the bed.
• a place where I don't have to wash the towels or the bedding.

As soon as we got there we got unloaded then went on the hunt for dinner.  Considering it was Friday at 7:30, you can imagine how crowded places were.  We found a place without a wait...California Pizza Kitchen.  It was good.  My kids ate.  Kyle's girls ate.  We ate.  We headed out on the town for a little bit before we got back to the hotel for the night.

The next day we got up, did breakfast then headed out for our PLANNED day.  Plan was:

1. museum of science and industry
2. ghirardelli chocolate factory
3. lincoln park zoo
4. outside concert (for the lights festival)
5. shopping
6. watch the lights festival parade

Here is what we did:

 

1. Stopped at Millennium Park to check out 'the bean'

 

2. Stopped for some photo opps

 

3. Headed to The Field Museum and Walked along Navy Pier

 

4. Went to the Field Museum (view from the front of that joint)

  

5. Checked out all the awesome stuff in the museum.  It was so interesting and all the kids really enjoyed it. Aiden loved the bones and dinosaurs.  Once we LEFT I learned about a HUGE children's area that we didn't find.  That place was endless.....
6. After the museum we ate hotdogs from a street vendor...so delicious (even when you're sober).
7. We walked back to Magnificent Mile and Bailey did a little shopping.  Kailyn, my kids, and I went back to the location of the outdoor concert.  This was a BRILLIANT idea until we got there. Somehow every other person in Chicago thought it would be a great idea to go to the same concert.  Once we fought through the crowd, we took a few back-roads  to a little less crowded area.
8. We met back up with Kyle and Bailey and headed to the Ghirardelli Chocolate Shop.

9. After all this business we worked our way back to the hotel and headed back to Indiana.

We learned a lot from the trip...like let's not go when it is the lights festival weekend.  But overall Kyle and I were really happy to be able to hang out with our kids and enjoy something that was new.  We didn't quite get to all the things on our itinerary, yet we had a great time.  I know that I am really looking forward to our next 'getaway'....hopefully KB feels the same way :)

Defining People

It is what we do that defines who we are.  Not one solid action.  Not one conversation.  Not one belief....but all the actions, all the conversations, and all the beliefs that define us. I think we change.  I think we grow.  I think we learn from each and every day we are given.

Changes occur because we learn from our pasts.  We learn that when we touch a hot stove not to ever do it again.  Who says one can't change?  Have you ever touched a hot stove? Did you continue to touch that hot stove once it burned you?

We grow because that is what life makes you do.  Not only do our hips grow wider but our brains grow bigger and our hearts grow fuller.  We grow as people, as parents, as friends.  We learn something each day that makes us step back and go "oh, I never thought about that."  We grow and become better, because that is what people do, we get better.  We make mistakes and we learn how to not make those same mistakes.  We sometimes make the same mistakes a few times over before we actually learn from them.....but we do grow (eventually).

We learn from ourselves and from others each second.  We learn from others what we hope to one day be.  We are inspired by the things we read and the things we see.  We are inspired to be better people each and everyday.  I struggle with what will make me a better person, but I know that each day I am a learning and working at being better.  (I think I should start with having more patience with 2 and 5 year olds).

It is not one defining moment that defines who you are....it is all the moments that you make which define you.

Good things happen to good people.

Amazing People...Amazing Things

Amanda has been one of my closest friends since I was in 6th grade.  We grew up together.  Went to college together.  And now we are getting to watch our kids grow up together.  Granted her kids are much different than mine.  Cecilia is sweet and caring and loving and calm.  Aiden is sweet and crazy and loud and loving.  Sebastian is rough and tumble and fast and a little lover.  Sloane is snappy and funny and bossy and rough.  I think Sebastian and Aiden could take on the world if we let them.  I am fairly confident that they would simply take anyone out that got in their way.  I love the way Sebastian follows Aiden around (teaching him really naughty things along the way) and the way Cealy wants to play with Sloane (who has no idea what "playing" actually means).

Amanda isn't my only friend with kids....a lot of my friends are moms.  I love watching them interact with their kids.  Sometimes they validate how I feel about being a mom....sometimes they make me a better mom....and sometimes they make me feel sane for being a mom.  It is a nice mix.  I love watching my best friends do their job and I love being able to say that between all of us we have an army of children.

Lucky for me I am able to witness Amanda's dreams slowly come true.  She has always dreamed, ALWAYS dreamed of adopting children.  She always wanted to have a bunch of Ethiopian babies running around.  Save these innocent little soles from a life of heartache and give them a life of love.  I remember sitting in her room in Castelton Estates listening to her talk about adopting babies.

15 years later she is doing just that.  Her and Danny have officially been told they are getting twin boys, TWIN BOYS.  Can you believe that?  Amazing.  She is going to become a mom to two more babies.  Two more babies to love.  To mother.  To raise.  To teach.  Unbelievable.  These babies are technically not babies.  They are at least one.  They are perfect.  They have very sad eyes in their pictures.  Sad eyes that probably represent their life thus far.  I have no doubts that Amanda and her family will have a lot to face over the next year.  But, her dreams are coming true.  She is a fighter and she will do this right.  She will turn the sad eyes into happy eyes.  She will turn these little boys into amazing young men.  She will show these little boys what a family feels like.

The amazing thing about Amanda and Danny is they can have children.  They have two.  Two perfect children.  But, they know that there are more than just THEIR perfect children in this world.  Perfect children that want to be loved just like Cecilia and Sebastian and Aiden and Sloane.  They are adopting these children because they are good people.  They are wholesome people.  They are following their dreams.  It is truly an inspiring thing to witness.  Amanda makes me a better mom, a better person.  I am proud to call her my best friend.  

Hair Hair Hair

Sloane got a haircut!?

I know, you are saying she doesn't have any hair!  And you are totally right.  She is kind of a baldy baby.  But, she does have a solid mullet.  One that only the finest rednecks would be jealous of.

I made the heart wrenching (it wasn't THAT dramatic) to get her first haircut.  I wasn't sure what to expect or what they would say.  And in fact when I got in there, I almost decided to leave....I wasn't sure I could handle not having her little curls if they decided to cut them off.  That AND they were taking FOREVER to get us in.

Side note....we are potty training.  The girl wears panties everywhere, this is so stressful for me.  I live in fear of her peeing her pants each and every second.  A simple errand has turned in to the fastest most efficient trips ever.....she is afraid of public bathrooms, which I TOTALLY get so she won't go potty anywhere but home. I am like a broken record, "you need to potty? let's go potty. you should potty first.  Big girls use the potty!"

Anyway.....they finally got her in the chair and the gal gave me my options:
1. Trim it, but you will still have the mullet look.
2. Do a short bob that angles towards her face and has layers in the back.

Hello!? Was there even an option?!  We went for the 'bob'. We did it.  She got a real hair cut.  She loved it.  She was so excited.  She smiled the whole way through.  It literally stung my heart when she cut off her curls, but, BUT, she doesn't have a mullet any longer.  I don't have my her pigtails any longer, but that is ok.  She is cute with or without those bad boys!

The right thing....

Making decisions are difficult to do.  It is hard to know if what you are doing is the right thing.  What is the right thing? What makes YOU believe it is the right thing?  Simple decisions, like do we go outside even though it is freezing or do we go shopping even though I am kinda poor....to difficult decisions like how to handle situations with friends/family, making decisions dealing with your kids can ALL be difficult to make.

In most cases what you believe is right someone else believes is wrong...that is kind of what makes the world go round. Even in my classroom, things I believe are the best thing for students, others may not.  I feel like my opinion is valued, which makes it alright for me to do the things that I do....but what about when your opinion isn't valued.  What about the times when you don't have the experience to know if what you decide is the right thing?  Does that make you wrong or incapable of making a decision?  You live and you learn and hopefully if you make a bad decision you are given an opportunity to rectify it.  You do the best with what you can.

We make decisions each day, most times only impacting ourselves.  We decide what to wear, what to eat, where to go, how fast to drive...how to react.  The 'how to react' is the problem with decision making.  How WE react affects many others and how OTHERS react affects us.   And a lot of times someone gets hurt, not purposefully but realistically.

There are consequences for all actions, and subsequently consequences for all decisions.  We live with consequences everyday....most times we don't even realize it.  We don't even think about it.

I believe in consequences.  I believe in decision making.  I believe in doing the right thing.

The problem is that what I deem as the "right thing" others may not.  Such a dilemma.

Ballerina Sloane

Sloane started ballet last week.  She is a princess and she LOVES it.  She couldn't be more excited when she is dancing around.  She was really nervous for the first few minutes last week....this week was very different. 

She had two mishaps this week.....
one-her face met another child's wand.
two-she was fancily running around and looked back at me....the then tripped on the "ferry wing bin" and FELL IN.

On both mishaps tears were shed, more out of embarrassment....because let's not pretend that Aiden has harmed her in many a ways over her short two years.

I love how much she loves dance.  She is a hyper little nut before dance and screams like a baby when we have to leave.

Football kid

Aiden loves football. Period.  Loves it. Would play it all day every day. Today was the final game of his 2nd season. I like how he feels about himself when he plays. He stands taller. Walks prouder. I like that. I want him to feel good about who he is and what he is capable of doing.  I want him to always win, I wonder if I can do that for him? .... I can feel the eye rolls from people right now.

He's good. Makes me proud. I always want for him to do what makes him happy. If it's football then by God play your heart out kid. If it's barbies next month, have at it.

Do what makes you happy.

Work hard at it.

Do your best and you will be great.

 

more. but what?

I want to do more.  I want to do more for people that don't have what I have.  I know, I don't really have much on the outside.  I live with my mom.  I have two kids.  Divorced at 29. BUT I am happy.  I have healthy children.  I have a good job.  I have great friends.  I have amazing family.  I have a supportive partner in all that I do.  I can do more with what I have.  But what?  How do you do more?  How do you help people get to a better place?  How do you help kids feel safe and warm each night? 

My life is good.  It has better days then others.  But it is really good.  I wake up each morning, go to work, see my kids, and end the day either putting them in bed or talking to Kyle about our days.  I think every life could be harder than mine.  Why wallow in my own self-pity of what has become my life of not being with my kids each night.  They have a great dad who loves them.  When I am down, I remind myself it could be so much worse and move forward.  I wish more people were able to do that. 

My job, I love what I do.  I am good at what I do.  I could be better, who couldn't be better at what they do?  With all the changes and politics involved in education now, I simply try to turn my cheek.  I complain and vent to all the right people then wake up the next day and go do MY job.  I wonder if there is something else I should do? If there is a bigger calling for me somewhere....maybe so. What is it? 

I think too often about doing more with my life.  I don't feel like I haven't done enough I just want to do more.  Make an impact on more than the students in my classes.  I want to reach people and fight for people.  Maybe I need to look into this.  Where do I start?  What do I start? 

I have a small passion for kids of divorced families.  I have been on both sides.  I get it.  I get it whole heartedly.  I know how hard it is watching your parents and I know how hard it is watching your babies experience divorce.  But I think I could do something with this.  But what?  The divorce class you take is a joke.  Parents don't listen to that crap, especially not the ones that need it. 

Hmm.  So much to ponder. So much to think about.  So much I still want to do.  But what?

Shopping

What is about shopping that makes a body good? I mean really, it is not something I think I enjoy, but my goodness when I know I can go buy something my heart races and I get all sorts of excited.  It doesn't even have to be something for me....just something.  Hell, I think I would be excited to go buy a new toilet if it meant I got to go shopping (now I have bought a new toilet and it really is kind of exciting.....nobody has EVER used it....it is as clean as it will ever be....nobody has ever puked in it, pooped in it, peed in it---or on it if you are Aiden.  So see it is easy to see the excitement over a new toilet).

Let's talk clothes....I don't just love shopping for me (on the for real, that is my favorite kind of shopping) but I love shopping for my kids too. Buying them clothes and shoes, lordy shoes. I could buy a pair of shoes for every outfit for those kids.  I want to buy Aiden Sperry's and Toms, but I have been told that is dumb.  For the record, I totally disagree, but I don't want to make my kid look dumb....dumb, is the stupid light up shoes.  THAT is dumb. I told Aiden if he wore them then he would get electrocuted if he stepped in water.  It worked because the kid never asked to buy another pair.

Is it ok to lie to kids?  Probably not, but I do.  I read a blog about a woman who feels like it is ok to lie to your kids because there are certain instances when it is necessary.  I totally agree. I lie to my kids for their own protection and because I love them so much.  I wouldn't ever want Aiden to get beat up because he is wearing light up shoes, so really my lies are to protect him.

Back to kids clothes.  Sloane has it made.  There are the cutest girl clothes out there.  I sometimes dream of being the mom that buys matching clothes to be twinsies with her daughter.  Not because I want everyone to think I am young (because I am) but because the clothes they make for little people are almost cuter than the clothes they make for not so little people.  They have everything; matching bracelets, scarves, hats, fedoras (I could totally rock a fedora), necklaces, leggings...you name it and they make it for little people.

I decided I was going to go shop a little today.  I have to wait for the kids to get picked up because I try to limit my time in public with them.  Aiden and Sloane are two of the cutest kids on this planet, but they are really loud and really hyper.  They like to be seen and heard.  It is good that they are cute because they are often times seen AND heard in a not so cute way.  They find hiding in stores to be fun and exciting, it is my worst nightmare (aside from a spider crawling out of my shoe or the toilet  or my bag).  They hide, thinking it is a game as I am frantically having heart palpitations looking for them with my calm, "Aiden, Sloane you need to come out," voice.  When I really want to be yelling, 'AIDEN, SLOANE WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU....THIS IS NOT FUNNY!'

So nonetheless, I am going to do a little (kidless) shopping today.  I am excited.  I am put in an instant good mood knowing that I will be searching (even if I don't find) for clothes that will be cute and new. I love new clothes.  I want to wear them all at once.  The problem with new clothes is once you wear them they aren't really new anymore.  When you get a new car, it is new for a really long time.  It smells new, it feels new, you wash it and it is all shiny again.  With clothes, you wash them and they become sad and not so new.  So you really have to embrace wearing your new clothes.  Appreciate them, love them.

Shopping is good.  It makes you feel good.  It makes you look good.  It makes a day good...unless it is a fat day and everything you try on looks bad and makes you feel fat....that is NOT a good day.  You will notice I never mentioned shopping for jeans...jean shopping is the worst.  I think each year they make jeans smaller and smaller.  Jean shopping does not make it a good day.

So my shopping today will not be jean shopping.... I am really excited about my good day.

Right

What a crazy life I have.  A good life, but a crazy one.  Lot's of things have gone on in my short 30 years, some great things, some scary things, some fun things, some wild things, some amazing things.... but one thing I know today, I am happy.

It feels good.  It feels right.  It feels like I am 10 again. Lordy, remember 10?  A simple life.  My biggest concern was if a friend could come over and swim.  And it was a BIG concern.....at that time.  Now, if only that was my biggest concern.  Being a mom has changed my view on everything.  I don't care as much about things as I used to....I care about these kids, being happy, making their world ok, while at the same time making sure my world is ok.  If my world is ok, I will be able to make their world ok.  Right?

I find that I hover.  Nobody likes a hoverer, except me, I think hovering is great.  It is peace of mind, everyone needs peace of mind.  I don't always have peace of mind, so if I can get peace of mind through my kids then that is a step in the right direction.  Right?

Peace of mind, what in the hell is "peace of mind" anyway? Will a mom ever have "peace of mind"?  I learned this week that my son, who is 4, is really quite independent.  I am not all that cool anymore, which I find really hard to believe.....I think I am pretty awesome. He would rather play spiderman and iron man with his friends than with me. Rude. So while he is running along playing with his friends I now I have to sit back and hope that he is safe, happy, ok, enjoying himself...so yeah,  there goes my "peace of mind."

I guess I can't find peace of mind through my kids so screw it.  I have found happiness.  I think happiness is the key and I really think everyone should try it.  Really what everyone should try is being nice.  Have you ever tried to just be nice?  Honestly, it isn't that easy.  I am nice.  I think.  Right?

I am not nice all the time, I mean at times people act like morons, and sometimes things annoy me. For example, the fact that there are only 8 hot dog buns, yet there are 10 hot dogs...really that is just ridiculous, it makes no sense.  Or when people are late, really late....that is uber annoying.  How hard is it to be on time? Did your house catch on fire, did your kid poop all over you as you were walking out the door?  NO? Then your excuse is not accepted.   But, for the most part I am friendly and nice and try to do the right thing.... although the right thing isn't always easy, or what one chooses to do.  

I have done lots of things that aren't the right thing.  I smoked a little in high school....that was fun, totally gross, but it made me cool...right?  I drank a little (or a lot) in college...that was fun, made me sick a few times, and I was cool (still am)...right? I've lied about where I was or what I was doing....it wasn't anyone's business so that made it ok....right? I drive over the speed limit...who sets the damn speed limits anyway?  I got married young (23) that wasn't really the right thing to do, but throwing a wedding was fun. I had babies very quickly after getting married, wasn't the smartest thing I ever did but if I hadn't done it I would have Aiden and Sloane and where would my life be without them?  I got divorced at 29, 29! I know, I am such a statistic...

Sometimes the wrong thing isn't always a bad thing.  Following your gut and your heart teaches you lessons, guides you through your life, makes you grow up.

I knew I didn't like smoking in high school, totally didn't inhale (call me George), so I stopped. I enjoyed drinking, still do sometimes.  I don't enjoy drinking too much, that is a killer the next morning....just ask Bob Evans' bathroom a few months ago....it met my hangover!  I don't think drinking is wrong, but I don't do it a lot.  I don't have it in me to recover from it every weekend.  I don't lie about where I am or what I am doing anymore, I finally realized that if you don't like what I am doing then you should start trying to be nicer (read earlier paragraph).  I still drive over the speed limit (I know, I am such a daredevil), I am just a little more careful when I do it.  I don't think it is smart, and my gut says slow down when it see's a cop...otherwise I am really ok with this decision.  I don't look back on getting married young and think it was a mistake, because then I wouldn't have my kids.  Sometimes doing things the wrong way, gives you some amazing blessings.

love

me

family

my kids

Anyways, back to what I started with.  I'm happy.  You should try happy.  It takes some work getting there, but once you are there.  You will know it too, it just hits you.  One day you are all happy and good....it is a great feeling.  Love makes me happy, my kids make me happy,  family makes me happy, and I make myself happy. If I had a dog I bet it would make me happy too, until it pooped on the floor or tore up the trash or peed on the carpet....you know what, a dog wouldn't make me happy.  Keep that in mind people!