Low Point

I started this blog about a year ago.  I wanted to have something to document where my life was and where it was going.  I wanted to highlight the highs of my life while at the same time not ignore the lows.  So prepare yourself, this is a low.

I like to think that I don’t compare myself to others, but let’s be honest I DO.  It is a terrible fault of mine.  I sometimes think that other people have it so much better or so much easier, blah blah blah (and sometimes it is the other way around, I feel so lucky and so honored to have the life I have).  I don’t know why I do this.  There are just some days (I can almost pinpoint these days to a “t”) I feel sorry for myself.

I don’t live a normal life, but what is a “normal life?” I do have a million things to be thankful for, yet there are days where I am sad.  I miss my kids.  I miss them when I am with them because I know that in a few short days they will be with their dad and I won’t have them with me anymore.  I get mad when I see my friends with their kids and they don’t have to miss their kids.  I get mad when I hear parents complain about not getting a break from their kids and here I am desperate to get my hands on my own.  I feel selfish but I NEVER voice my opinion and here is why: I know what it is like to be with my kids all the time. I know why moms need a break.  I know why parents are tired. 

But see, here is my problem I am not tired.  I so desperately want to be tired.  I want to WANT a break.  I so desperately want to NEED a break.  But I don’t have these things because I have to spend time away from my kids while they get to spend time with their dad.  I will never have a normal motherhood experience and I feel sorry for myself.  I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, but by God I do. 

I choose not to do things where I know that kids will be there and my kids will not.  It is something that I struggle with because I don’t want to miss out on things or hurt others in the process but I simply can’t be a part of something that my kids should be a part of and can’t.  I will miss my best friends kids’ birthday parties next weekend because I won’t have my kids.  I hate to not be there, I love those two kids like my own, but I can’t be there and feel ok without Aiden and Sloane.  Every Tuesday there are free concerts (which are the bomb.com by the way) in our town, I don’t go unless I have my kids.  I can’t watch all these little people run around, dance, play and not feel a huge sense of emptiness inside. I have a love hate relationship with Facebook because it makes me miss my kids.  People post all their pictures of their kids and I sit there wishing I could have mine home with me all the time….it puts me in a bad mood. 

I don’t want to be in a bad mood.  I want to be me.  I want to feel fulfilled every day, not just on the days where I have my kids.  I have not and will never claim to be an expert on divorce.  I will however claim to do my best with the situation I am in.  I feel like (and have been complimented on by many---pat.on.my.back) for how well I have handled all the changes that have occurred in my life and my kids.  But at what point does this get better?  I am at a loss for how I will feel this way for the rest of my life (or until these two little people go to college---unless they want me to go with them, which I would do in a heartbeat). 

Life is hard.  I know this.  Nothing is easy and everybody is fighting their own battles.  I am sure there are people who look at me and think ‘she has it made’…. which I know I do.  I have two healthy kids who love life.  I have an amazing partner in Kyle who puts up with me.  I have met the two most amazing teenage girls and I have loved getting to know them. I have great friends.  I have an incredibly supportive family.  I have a roof over my head.  I have dinner on the table and lots of snacks in the fridge. I have a good job. I am healthy (minus my eating habits, which I think will make me live forever-others say will kill me early).

I have to learn to focus on the positive.  I need to learn to be ok with what my life is with Aiden and Sloane and be thankful for the times I have them.  I just haven’t gotten to where I am ok with not seeing them all the time.  I miss their faces and more importantly I know they miss mine.  Sloane would glue herself to me and I would be ok with it.  Aiden called me last week (his week with his dad) crying because he missed me, my heart broke.  It broke in half and I don’t think it has healed.  I don’t want my kids to miss me.  I never want them to think I am not there. 

Being divorced is hard.  Life is hard. I will try to focus on the positives.  I know that life could be so much worse.