I started this blog about a year ago. I wanted to have something to document where
my life was and where it was going. I
wanted to highlight the highs of my life while at the same time not ignore the
lows. So prepare yourself, this is a low.
I like to think that I don’t compare myself to others, but
let’s be honest I DO. It is a terrible
fault of mine. I sometimes think that
other people have it so much better or so much easier, blah blah blah (and
sometimes it is the other way around, I feel so lucky and so honored to have
the life I have). I don’t know why I do
this. There are just some days (I can
almost pinpoint these days to a “t”) I feel sorry for myself.
I don’t live a normal life, but what is a “normal life?” I
do have a million things to be thankful for, yet there are days where I am
sad. I miss my kids. I miss them when I am with them because I
know that in a few short days they will be with their dad and I won’t have them
with me anymore. I get mad when I see my
friends with their kids and they don’t have to miss their kids. I get mad when I hear parents complain about
not getting a break from their kids and here I am desperate to get my hands on
my own. I feel selfish but I NEVER voice
my opinion and here is why: I know what it is like to be with my kids all the
time. I know why moms need a break. I
know why parents are tired.
But see, here is my problem I am not tired. I so desperately want to be tired. I want to WANT a break. I so desperately want to NEED a break. But I don’t have these things because I have
to spend time away from my kids while they get to spend time with their dad. I will never have a normal motherhood
experience and I feel sorry for myself.
I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, but by God I do.
I choose not to do things where I know that kids will be
there and my kids will not. It is
something that I struggle with because I don’t want to miss out on things or
hurt others in the process but I simply can’t be a part of something that my
kids should be a part of and can’t. I
will miss my best friends kids’ birthday parties next weekend because I won’t
have my kids. I hate to not be there, I
love those two kids like my own, but I can’t be there and feel ok without Aiden
and Sloane. Every Tuesday there are free
concerts (which are the bomb.com by the way) in our town, I don’t go unless I
have my kids. I can’t watch all these
little people run around, dance, play and not feel a huge sense of emptiness
inside. I have a love hate relationship with Facebook because it makes me miss
my kids. People post all their pictures
of their kids and I sit there wishing I could have mine home with me all the
time….it puts me in a bad mood.
I don’t want to be in a bad mood. I want to be me. I want to feel fulfilled every day, not just
on the days where I have my kids. I have
not and will never claim to be an expert on divorce. I will however claim to do my best with the
situation I am in. I feel like (and have
been complimented on by many---pat.on.my.back) for how well I have handled all
the changes that have occurred in my life and my kids. But at what point does this get better? I am at a loss for how I will feel this way
for the rest of my life (or until these two little people go to
college---unless they want me to go with them, which I would do in a
heartbeat).
Life is hard. I know
this. Nothing is easy and everybody is
fighting their own battles. I am sure
there are people who look at me and think ‘she has it made’…. which I know I
do. I have two healthy kids who love
life. I have an amazing partner in Kyle
who puts up with me. I have met the two
most amazing teenage girls and I have loved getting to know them. I have great
friends. I have an incredibly supportive
family. I have a roof over my head. I have dinner on the table and lots of snacks
in the fridge. I have a good job. I am healthy (minus my eating habits, which I
think will make me live forever-others say will kill me early).
I have to learn to focus on the positive. I need to learn to be ok with what my life is
with Aiden and Sloane and be thankful for the times I have them. I just haven’t gotten to where I am ok with
not seeing them all the time. I miss
their faces and more importantly I know they miss mine. Sloane would glue herself to me and I would
be ok with it. Aiden called me last week
(his week with his dad) crying because he missed me, my heart broke. It broke in half and I don’t think it has
healed. I don’t want my kids to miss
me. I never want them to think I am not
there.
Being divorced is hard.
Life is hard. I will try to focus on the positives. I know that life could be so much worse.
