Time doesn't stop

Do you ever look around and feel like life is flying by but you are still 20 years old and nothing has changed?  The only things that remind me that I am not 20 years old are the two little people that follow me around everywhere I go.  I never feel old, which I’m technically not, so I guess that makes sense. 

I have been teaching for 11 years now.  Eleven years, that is a long time.  Yet I still feel like I am on year three.  I look around at these first year teachers and I am reminded that I am not 20, yet I still feel like I am. It is crazy!

Bailey is getting ready for Prom.  I instantly go back to my prom years and it feels like it was yesterday…it wasn’t.  It was 15 years ago!  15 years has gone by since I had my hair put half up in a little bird’s nest on the top of my head and I wore the world’s most unflattering dress to our senior Prom. 15 years!  Courtney had allergies and was a mess, I had strep throat and looked ridiculous…it was a good time! Thankfully I don’t remember what anybody else’s dress looked like, therefore they (hopefully) don’t remember mine.

Time goes by fast it never feels like it in the moment but looking back on things, it all goes by very fast.  In the moments it feels like turtle speed, but years later it is just the opposite. 

Pains the Same

"The pains the same, but the tears are less."

I heard this quote last week watching something on television.  It struck a chord with me.  It sums up the death of Leslie so accurately.  It has been over 14 years since she died, 14 years.  I remember each moment like it was yesterday.  I remember the phone call from my mom sharing with me that Leslie had been in a car accident.  I remember talking to my family in Texas every day while she was in the hospital. I remember every single second of the day she died: What I was wearing.  What I ate for breakfast.  What errands I ran. 

I had gone to the Union at IU to get a CD to get the internet to work on my computer (it was 2000, technology was a little more complicated back then!).  When I got back to my dorm, my best friend and roommate, Courtney, was laying down but told me that both my parents had called.  I stepped out to the hall to call my parents so I wouldn't bother her during her nap.  I remember calling my dad's office and his secretary said he was in a meeting.  I left a message to have him call me back and she said she could get him out of the meeting if I needed her to, looking back on this phone call I realize now that she knew Leslie had died, but I didn't, I just said it wasn't a big deal and hung up.   I then called my mom's school, but they said she had left.  That was definitely weird, but I knew she had been contemplating going to Texas to be with Kippi, so I just assumed that was why she wasn't there and was needing to get a hold of me to let me know her plans. 

I knew in my heart that something wasn't right so I called the hospital number that I had been using to talk to the family and check in and that was the moment I learned of  her death.  Within seconds one of Leslie and Micki's friends told me she had died, and my world changed. I knew she wasn't well, but up until that moment I never actually believed she could die.  I didn't even think it was a possibility and I actually don't think I ever thought that death would be the end result. I knew Leslie was in a bad place, but I also knew that she would be fine....then she wasn't and that was it.  I was not in Texas to see her and to see how hurt she really was.  I had no concept that there was no way she could have survived this accident.  It was the most shocking moment of my life. 

Everything from that moment on was a whirlwind.  I remember getting off the phone and Courtney running into the hall, but all I wanted to do was take a shower (what?!?). I remember every second of that shower.  I remember just standing there trying to wrap my head around what I was just told. I remember thinking about how this can't be right.  What does this mean? How did this happen? 

I remember my mom called while I was in the shower and talked to Courtney.  My mom was so concerned, so scared, so empathetic, and was desperately trying to get to her sister. 

So much happened in that one day and it was all surreal.  I remember feeling like I was just floating through the day and was not actually in the real world.  Everything went so fast.  So many decisions had already been made and I was clueless.  My dad booked me a flight with him for the next morning so I met him at the airport.

I remember a lot about that flight.  My dad and I talked the whole time.  I think it was good for him, but better for me. He shared a lot about his life; his mom, his dad, his aunt, brother...things I never knew.  I was 18 and was just learning things about my dad's life, I remember that it made me feel selfish and I didn't want his stories to end.  

It was a LONG day of traveling.  We got a direct flight to Texas, but then had to drive to Hico. We rented a car (it was a maroon color...irrelevant) and drove for what felt like days.  Nobody was in Hico when we got there (at least nobody that I wanted to see...Micki, mom, Cole, Kippi, Donna, Bebe, Danielle) so we just waited on the people that I needed to see to arrive. Again, it was such a long day.

I think about this day often. More often than I would like to think about it.  Simply put, it was a bad day.   I used to cry a lot.  I would lay in bed every night and replay this day in my head and cry.  The day that changed my simple world.  It took years for me to not replay this event every single day.  It then took years for me to not cry at the simple thought of Leslie.  To say the pain is the same is accurate.  The pain of missing her never goes away. The pain of not knowing what her life would have looked like never goes away, but the tears stop flowing.  The tears dry up and the sadness remains. It helps to not think about it, and I love telling her stories, but it really only brings sadness for me. 

I have never been able to sum up her death until I heard the words, "the pains the same, but the tears are less."  It feels to good to write about that day.  Death is mean.  It rips your world apart and doesn't look back.  It changes you and makes you questions all things you know.  However, I always keep the good memories of Leslie in my pocket.  Her life was never dull.  She fills my heart with happiness and I love that she was a part of my world for a short 18 years.

school zone

If you drive the speed limit in a school zone you are up to something.  Nobody can naturally drive 20 mph. Police officers should sit in school zones and only pull over the people that are going 20.  THOSE people are up to something (a little day drinking....a warrant....a little drugs). Those of us driving faster than the speed of turtle are doing what every clear thinking person would do, driving at a normal speed.

I stare.... a lot

I have always stared at people.  I am always silently imagining their conversations, decisions, thoughts while staring directly at them. I used to be a brilliant observer - I say observer because it sounds better than stalker- I never got caught and was able to pick up on so much.  I could see when someone was happy, mad, sad and could tell their story simply by watching their body language.  It was a skill that I was really proud of having.

As I have gotten "older" (I put "older" in quotes because I am not that old) I think I have lost a little bit of my skill.  I used to never get caught staring and now it's like people can sense me.  I make eye contact and have to do the sudden look away so they don't catch on to my game.  It is a little uncomfortable (for them, not me).  I have also found that I don't even care if they realize I am staring I just keep looking, silently judging all their actions and then I realize, holy shit they totally know what I am doing!

I especially like to watch people when I am at dinner.  I find that this is the time where I can learn most about a complete stranger.  I tell myself that it isn't weird to do this - it is, I know - but people are LOUD and basically want me to know what is going on in their lives.  Basically, I am doing them a favor by staring and listening to their private conversations. 

Faces

These kids faces are too much to handle sometimes.  Their personalities are so big!  I love who they are as little people and get more and more joy from them as they get big (most of the time!).

They got Wendy's for dinner the other night and mouth/lips were the "prizes"  in their meals. Aiden got a normal little smile mouth while Sloane got a Frankenstein devilish mouth.  It was like destiny.  The mouths they got matched their personalities to a 't'!

Innocence

Innocence is where I live.  I live such a simple life.  I wake up each morning.  Kiss my husband, my kids, my dog.  Get myself ready for work.  Make my lunch and leave for school.  I go to work.  I pick my kids up from school. We come home, do homework, play, eat.  I give the kids baths. We read books and go to bed.  I crawl into my bed with my husband and do it all again the next day.  Again, a simple life.

It is normal to me.  This is what my life is and to me what the "normal" life is.  The reality is that this is nothing normal for most people.  There is so much more out there that I guess I simply choose to ignore.  The violence, racism, wars, hate, rape, abuse, hunger, depression, illness, homelessness…and while I am sure the list could go on, that is all I have for now. All of this right under my nose, yet I am fairly clueless about all of it.

I see violence on the news every second of everyday.  Someone is always being murdered, robbed, attacked, raped…. Someone is always getting arrested and I am almost always unfazed.  I was distraught over Sandy Hook Elementary and how many young children were murdered at the hands of a lunatic. Yet I read about a man killing another man in an argument over a female and I am unfazed.  Is it because it wasn't a child?  Is it because the violence seems far away from me, even though it is less than 30 miles away? Is it because I am numb to it?

I’m white and while I don’t experience racism daily I see it often.  I think it is easier to sit back and act like it doesn’t happen, but the reality is it is everywhere.  Racism happens to all people not just black people.  I try to live my life without seeing color, but of course I am not blind so I can actually see color.  I try to teach my children the same thing, that all humans are human no ifs, ands, or buts. However, the reality is racism happens to people everywhere.  Women don’t get jobs because they are female; when in reality they were just as capable for the job. The tattooed guy walking down the street makes everyone a little nervous; when in reality he is a great family guy.  The black man with his hood up makes you walk down the other side of the street, when in reality he’s cold.  Everyone assumes the Asian girl is extra smart when in reality she struggles in school like the rest of us.  There are so many stereotypes that occur and many of them are simply racist.  Because I don’t experience direct racism, being a white female, it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.  There are things that are a major problem in our society and there are parents that are raising their children to be downright mean and hateful to other kids…this I witness often being a teacher.  Even to discuss democrat and republican parties leads to the most hateful things, all learned from the mouths of parents.  But, again this does not always faze me.  I am once again numb to the ignorance of so many people in our society. Racism goes so many ways and I don’t see very many people teaching our children the right thing.  Why is that?  Is there more that I can do?

I saw American Sniper a few days ago.  What a transforming film.  It changed the way I look at soldiers and men and women of the military.  They are by far the most amazing humans that have graced our planet.  While many do not fight in a war, those that do have literally given their lives (even if they lived) for us.  Whether they wanted to or not, they gave up part of themselves to fight for us.  The reality is that I have NO IDEA what this means.  I can’t wrap my head around the lives that these people have led.  I go to work and don’t once worry about being hurt. I have NO IDEA what this is like for their families…the fear they live for the entire time they are gone, must be intolerable.  I am a “worst case scenario” person so for me, it would literally stop my world if I had to have a family member in a war. My life is so simple; it is hard for me to understand what this world would be like.  How selfish is this? Should I be doing more for the soldiers? Does it make me naïve that it took a movie to make me think more in-depth about the lives they lay on the line every single day? Does it make me self-centered to think that since they made it home alive they are “ok”?

rape

I am a teacher.  I see students everyday that have next to nothing.  I deal with parents who could not care less about their own children (generally I deal with the opposite, parents that care too much...I am a parent that cares too much). I see the effects of this on children.  I see children walking on the street when it is pitch black out because their parents have no car and aren't worried about their well being.  I have seen children who slept with rats that cats brought in their house.  I have dealt with students who have had lice all year long because nobody at home actually knows what to do about it.  I have seen kids that are hungry, homeless, alone.  Yet, I am almost immune to it.  Unfazed by it.  How wrong is that? Does that make me cold? Does it make me selfish? Am I numb to it after 11 years?

There are so many things that people go through and I have no idea because my life is my number one concern.  It is amazing to think that there are people who are so sad and so angry in their own lives that living is just too much.  I live a simple life, things are good so my awareness of people who are low is not what it should be.  Do I get sad? Yes. But my life is good!  My life is easy.  I don’t even know what it is like to live every day being sad and lonely.  People do this every second of every day. Many times we don’t know they are sad and lonely until it is just too late.  I know that I am naïve to this, yet there is very little that I do about it.  I worry about those close to me.  Are they happy? Are they ok?  Is there someone that feels low and I don’t know it?  Depression is another thing that I can’t wrap my head around.  I have experienced a lot (hasn’t everyone?) and I always bounce back.  It is hard to understand not bouncing back.

Depression is an illness and I never understood this until recently.  I always associated an illness with a physical reaction/problem to something.  I have witnessed people sick, to the point of no return and I have witnessed people sick that have come back and have been given a new start.  I hope that I never have to experience illness with my own family again.  Watching someone die of cancer (or anything at that matter) was awful, but to have to experience that with a child would be unbearable.  I see so many sad stories on facebook every single day, which I have no understanding of.  I just, again, can’t wrap my head around it.  So many things happen to people everyday while I sit and live my simple life. 

For Christmas a couple of years ago Kyle and I helped out a food bank.  It was incredible how many people are homeless.  I was really impacted by it, that day.  I have said I will do more to help, but I haven’t.  Kyle’s barber has off every Monday and goes and cuts hair for the homeless.  How incredible is that?  Every single week he does an unbelievably selfless act, I can’t even donate one day a year?!! I talk with my kids about how lucky they are to have all that they have, but they don’t truly understand.  Hell, I don’t truly understand how lucky I am.  I have a bad day and act like it is the end of the world.  I think if I did more for others, I would be able to appreciate the life I have been given.  Now I do work hard, so every penny that I make I earned, don’t get me wrong.  But I do think that if I did more for people that are not in as good of a situation it would help build perspective. It is hard to grasp what led all of these people to the path of homelessness.  Will I ever truly understand how they go to that point?  Is this possible for anybody?

When you sit down and look around at all the things we are surrounded by it is overwhelming.  While there are so many amazing things in this world, there are also devastating things that are sitting right in front of you.  Sometimes my simple life gets in the way of the reality of so many others.

Never Enough Patience

My patience gets worn.  It is exhausting being a mom.  It is exhausting having to constantly have answers and be on your game.  I lose my patience on a daily basis. I would like to learn how to control my reactions to my kids, which I haven’t done that yet.  I am very reactive to my kids and I hate that about myself.  I have a hard time stepping back and taking a breath before saying what needs (or in some cases doesn't need) to be said. 

However, being reactive leads to exciting things as well.  Everything is a celebration. I get super excited when they do things and I love my reaction when they share something new. You got an A on a spelling test? Jumping around the kitchen! You were on purple at school? Ice cream! You mastered your round off? Mom will do one too! You scored in your game? I am screaming on the sidelines.  Everything is a big deal, which means when things aren’t always sugar and spice that is a big deal too. 

I don’t handle not listening well.  It is the kryptonite that leads to some ugly things in my house.  My kids have the world’s most magical selective hearing.  They don’t hear me say put your shoes on or brush your teeth, but they can hear me unwrap a candy bar from a different room. It is truly a gift of theirs.

I lose my patience with them daily.  Luckily for me we are forgiving people. I forgive them for never listening and they forgive me for being “mean.”

I wonder at what point will they actually start to follow directions.  I wonder if I have done something wrong as their mother along the way.  I wonder if  it is me that has made them think they don’t have to listen when I speak.  The other thing I have noticed as a mom is it is really hard to forgive yourself when you overreact to something.  We never want our kids to be sad and when we are the one responsible for them being sad it is painful.  Forgiveness is key on both ends. 

I wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything in the world, I have learned more about myself than I ever knew possible.  The love these kids have given me is unexplainable. 

I am thankful for children that are loving and accepting.  I am thankful for new starts to each day.  I am thankful for friends and a husband that can talk me off a ledge any day of the week.