there are no words

Heartbreak.  I felt it all weekend.  I can’t stop empathizing with the families from Connecticut.  I see Aiden and Sloane in every one of those little faces.  I see myself in every one of those adults. 

I read a blog article yesterday called What Six Looks Like, it was as if someone climbed in my head and unscrambled all my thoughts of this tragedy.  If you have a chance, please read it.  

To sum up what she said in a couple of sentences (I am a brilliant summarizer) she said that six is simple.  Six is fun.  Six is easy.  Six loves cookies and ice cream for dinner and six loves playing in the rain.  Six loves to laugh and whine and throw little fits.  Six is supposed to be the beginning.   But for those twenty six and sevens, it was the end.  What I liked about this article is that it didn't make me cry for those babies, it made me realize what six is.  I look at Aiden sometimes and expect BIG things from him....he is five.  Five isn't a mind reader.  Five isn't a chef.  Five isn't independent.  Five is easy.  Five is carefree.  Five is not responsible.  Five is fun.

I can’t stop thinking about how those innocent children must have felt.  How scared they must have been.  How brave those women were.  How quickly all of those lives were taken.  How sad their families are and forever will be.  How heartbroken that community is.  And how changed the world is….TODAY.

Will we stay affected?  Will we make any changes?  Are there changes to make?  Will this happen again?  Will my kids be safe? Will I be safe? Who will answer all of my questions? 

There has been lots of shootings since Columbine, which was the first shooting that directly affected me.  I was in high school at that time.  I remember watching the media coverage of all the students running out of that building with their hands on their heads.  It was life changing to watch, for me.  I believe it had to have been life changing for all people to watch, but here we are 13 years later and there has been over 30 school shootings since that date. I bet you can’t name them.  I can’t.  I can’t tell you any other school shooting than Virginia Tech. So was Columbine really life changing for me? Did those teenagers and one teacher die for nothing? 

Has our world become so numb to shootings that we don’t even remember them?  Are we that ok with how are world works that we don’t find it to be a big deal until 27 peoples lives are lost due to one human?

Something has to be done.  Something.  I don't have the anwers.  I don't even think I have any ideas.  But what I know is that I love my kids at home and I love my kids at school.  How can I look at all of their faces and tell them they are safe, when they may not be?  

I squeeze my (at home) kids tighter now.  I kiss them more (which they really get annoyed with).  As much as Newtown has devastated me, I am so lucky.  I empathize with each one of those families. I can't and don't ever want to imagine their grief.

It's ok to be sad

Every Sunday is bittersweet for me.  I either wake up knowing that I will pick Aiden and Sloane up from their dads or wake up knowing I will drop Aiden and Sloane off with their dad.  On the days that I drop them off, I am sad.  Sad that I won't see them that night.  Sad that I won't tuck them in bed.  Sad that I won't read them their nightly story or sing them their nightly songs.  Sad that I won't know exactly what is going on in their little lives.

I chose my life.  I chose my divorce.  I chose for my kids to grow up like this.  So is it ok to be sad?  I believe it is.

I am ok with being sad anytime I am away from them.  I am ok with being sad anticipating being away from them.

I worry about their little souls all the time.  It is what parents do....we worry (see first blog).

I have accepted that it is ok to be sad. My decisions will always impact theirs, but I will do my best to make sure that my decisions positively impact their well being. Every parent wants happy and healthy children.  Lucky for me, I have that.  I will do my best to keep that.

kids and their friends

Aiden and his long time (of 5 years) friend Pressley came home with us from school the other day.  On our way home Pressley told Aiden all about the movie she saw that weekend.  It warmed my heart listening to them talk to each other and listen to what the other way saying.  Pressley told Aiden all about it and Aiden asked her questions, like grown ups.  It was neat to hear.  I had an instant, 'oh wow stop growing up' moment.

We went to the park after school---where we froze our rears off. 

Yesterday we went to the park with Amanda and her kiddos, where we didn't freeze b/c it was 70 degrees out.  I loved watching Aiden and Cecelia come up with games to play.  Aiden does a great job of including other kids (even though he would rather be playing football and wrestling).  Aiden, Sloane, and Cealy played Red Light/Green Light which was AWESOME to watch.  I love all these kids!

Broken Thumb

Aiden had a little accident with a bar stool last week.  He was standing under it and it fell forward....his little thumb was smashed in between the ground and the leg of the stool.  It immediately turned purple, but didn't swell up.  We "iced" it with corn, which you would have thought was poisonous.  He went to sleep later that night.....and slept ALL night. 

When we got up for school the next morning....wellllllll it was REALLY swollen.  REALLLLLY swollen.  I got him up, gave him some tylenol and said "alright bud, it will be ok let's go to school."  As soon as I dropped him off at school I had immediate guilt.  I felt like a terrible mother.  I called the school secretary and said I needed a sub.....dropped off Sloane....called Rebecca Matthews (my old co-worker who works at Aiden's school) and had her go get Aiden out of class and take him to her classroom....got to school....wrote my sub plans.....waited on the sub.  As soon as the sub got to school, I bolted.  Got to his school, picked him up, took him to medcheck and sat in the parking lot waiting for it to open.  Why was I rushing around?  I guess I should have checked med check's hours.

 We were second into the doctor....xrays done....

Fractured thumb....the tip of his thumb was fractured.  Awesome....call me MOM OF THE YEAR.  We went straight to a specialist to make sure that the fracture wasn't on a growth plate.  He has a metal brace thing that goes over his thumb.

He couldn't suck his thumb, which I thought was a blessing in disguise.  NOT....he is now a finger sucker.  Even BETTER.