there are no words

Heartbreak.  I felt it all weekend.  I can’t stop empathizing with the families from Connecticut.  I see Aiden and Sloane in every one of those little faces.  I see myself in every one of those adults. 

I read a blog article yesterday called What Six Looks Like, it was as if someone climbed in my head and unscrambled all my thoughts of this tragedy.  If you have a chance, please read it.  

To sum up what she said in a couple of sentences (I am a brilliant summarizer) she said that six is simple.  Six is fun.  Six is easy.  Six loves cookies and ice cream for dinner and six loves playing in the rain.  Six loves to laugh and whine and throw little fits.  Six is supposed to be the beginning.   But for those twenty six and sevens, it was the end.  What I liked about this article is that it didn't make me cry for those babies, it made me realize what six is.  I look at Aiden sometimes and expect BIG things from him....he is five.  Five isn't a mind reader.  Five isn't a chef.  Five isn't independent.  Five is easy.  Five is carefree.  Five is not responsible.  Five is fun.

I can’t stop thinking about how those innocent children must have felt.  How scared they must have been.  How brave those women were.  How quickly all of those lives were taken.  How sad their families are and forever will be.  How heartbroken that community is.  And how changed the world is….TODAY.

Will we stay affected?  Will we make any changes?  Are there changes to make?  Will this happen again?  Will my kids be safe? Will I be safe? Who will answer all of my questions? 

There has been lots of shootings since Columbine, which was the first shooting that directly affected me.  I was in high school at that time.  I remember watching the media coverage of all the students running out of that building with their hands on their heads.  It was life changing to watch, for me.  I believe it had to have been life changing for all people to watch, but here we are 13 years later and there has been over 30 school shootings since that date. I bet you can’t name them.  I can’t.  I can’t tell you any other school shooting than Virginia Tech. So was Columbine really life changing for me? Did those teenagers and one teacher die for nothing? 

Has our world become so numb to shootings that we don’t even remember them?  Are we that ok with how are world works that we don’t find it to be a big deal until 27 peoples lives are lost due to one human?

Something has to be done.  Something.  I don't have the anwers.  I don't even think I have any ideas.  But what I know is that I love my kids at home and I love my kids at school.  How can I look at all of their faces and tell them they are safe, when they may not be?  

I squeeze my (at home) kids tighter now.  I kiss them more (which they really get annoyed with).  As much as Newtown has devastated me, I am so lucky.  I empathize with each one of those families. I can't and don't ever want to imagine their grief.