Sloane got glasses!

We got a letter home that Sloane did not pass the school's eye exam. I was a little surprised because she has always passed her exams at the pediatrician and she has never complained that she couldn't see. I also got the paper and was more than confused because I know nothing about eye exams and what those numbers mean!

Nonetheless, we took Sloane in and she indeed needed glasses.  She SERIOUSLY looks adorable in her glasses.  She chose black frames (mainly from us (Mandy and me) pushing her towards black and away from pink or purple).  We know how finicky Sloane is and I could see pink glasses not matching an outfit and that leading towards a GIANT fight at 6:15 am....so black was best. Any-who...She narrowed down her choices and chose an adorable pair of glasses.

When her glasses came in she was BEYOND excited.  She literally began to sob with excitement.  I was so confused by her reaction but she said she is just "so happy!" She has loved having them.  My hope it the joy continues and that her eyes correct themselves over the year and then we can be done with the glasses :)

Fall Break

Kyle and I went to Key West for fall break.  Alone.  Sans kids.  It was amazing.  It wasn't amazing because we didn't have kids, but it was indeed amazing because we got to be Kyle and Whitney for 6 straight days and do whatever we wanted when we wanted. That part was definitely amazing. I think when you have kids and a job you never can fully focus on your spouse like you should.  Aiden, Sloane, and Kailyn drive our schedules day in and day out and for 6 days we didn't have to worry about a schedule.  The day was our to conquer with no worry over where we needed to be at any particular time. Did I mention it was amazing?

We spent the week sitting on the beach (a very tiny beach), riding bikes, eating delicious food, swimming, snorkeling, shopping, and drinking.  It was a great week to fully focus on us, we needed it and it was 100% perfect. I am very thankful to have a husband who wants to take the time to focus on us...a husband who makes an effort to make sure we have what we need.

 



After Kyle and I went on our vacation it was Aiden and Sloane's turn to head to Florida.  The kids and I drove to Pensacola to spend the week with my dad and Lucy.  Yes, I drove, alone, by myself, with no help.  It was insanely...easy.  I couldn't believe how well the kids did and how well I handled it.  Yep, kudos to ME.

Anyway.  This TRIP (not a vacation when kids are there) was great too.  We spent every day at the beach (even if it wasn't HOT HOT HOT). The kids had a blast and I loved spending time with them.  I really missed the stinkers after being gone a week.  However, I really missed Kyle not being with us.  I am not a fan of being apart from my husband in any capacity.  I call it a healthy obsession...he might call it annoying.

The kids and I loved dad & Lucy's new house.  It was really big and new and fun to discover new things.  The kids had a lot of fun being around dad and building things.  Sloane got to help Lucy cook (while I did crossword puzzles and didn't help). It was just really a good week.  Dad drove back to Indiana with us, so that was an even easier drive...although I think the kids knew how stressed I was about driving there so they were especially good....this was NOT the case on the way home.

 

Aiden is 8

So this post is a little late!

On October ninth at 12:15 Aiden turned 8. EIGHT.  Sheesh that happened fast.  I remember when he was little thinking that time does not go by fast.  Being a new mom was not easy.  People would always say, "enjoy it while it lasts" and I always thought they were CRAZY.  Nothing was enjoyable about being a new mom.  It was hard.  It was new.  It was unpredictable.  I am not laid back, so none of that was easy for me. Now Aiden is 8 and I think, "damn, that went fast." While I truly can't say I wish he was little, I do miss having him little.  I am too busy loving who he has become to want him to be anything but 8.  I love his personality.  He has such a big heart and loves to play with his friends.  He loves getting his way and becomes very loving when he gets what he wants (yep).  I am ok with it.  He has learned that throwing fits are pointless and that talking things out is usually a lot easier.  He has learned that I am always right and when I am wrong I am working on apologizing.  He has learned that mommy has a temper and even when I yell at him I still love him immensely. He has learned that he is good at sports, but doesn't love to practice to get better.  He has learned that being sneaky, while easy, never ends well for him.

I can truly say I love who Aiden is.  I wouldn't trade him being a baby again for anything.  I hope his 8th year brings him as much joy as he brings those of us around him!

Kids and Life

Aiden is a second grader.  I am so proud of how he has done in the three weeks we have been back in school.  He has had good behavior and is making friends.  He is playing tackle football this year....this has been interesting.  He is such an athletic kid.  I am SO SO SO SO SO biased, but I really see a lot of talent in him.  I hope that he finds the motivation to stick with sports (all of them) and use sports as an outlet over electronics and friends.  I see so much happiness in him when he does well.  The smile he has coming off the field is like no other smile he gives.  It is pure joy for me to see him do well.  I am and will always be THAT mom on the sidelines.  I am proud of him and I want him to know it. I hope he does well in school this year too....although he did tell me he is good at math so there really is no need for him to need to learn how to read better.  OOOOk, kid.  Aiden needs a lot of help with reading, he really dislikes reading to me, but doesn't mind being read to.  I hope that this changes for the sake of his sanity going through school. I definitely don't make him read to me enough at home, but there are just some battles I can't fight.

Bailey  is officially a freshman in college.  IN COLLEGE.  Just in case you didn't catch on to the "in college" part Bailey is in college.  Tiny little Bailey is in the real world fending for herself.  She is living in a dorm with two other strangers and is loving life.  Granite, this is only day 3 of her college life, but she hasn't complained once since being dropped off.  My mom was literally shoving me out of the car as I was crying and Bailey was not fazed.  I can only dream that Aiden and Sloane have their heads on as straight as Bailey does.  She is so responsible for being only 18 and so much more aware of other people and other peoples feelings.  She is truly a diamond in the rough!  I am super proud of her and her outgoing personality.  I can't wait to see what great things she does!

Kailyn is a freshman in high school.  She is on the varsity volleyball team and starting.  She is kind of a big deal.  Kailyn is really good at volleyball so watching her play is something I truly enjoy.  She is in her element out there and I love seeing that.  Kailyn doesn't have a lot of passion about things (other than her phone and shopping) so when she is on the court you get to see a different side to her. Kailyn is also super smart, without trying much she can bust out good grades...reminds me of Coleman.  I on the other hand would study for days and barely pass, if pass at all.  I hope she works hard these next four years so that there are lots of opportunities for her!

Sloane is in kindergarten.  It simply hurts to write that.  I was not and still am not ready for this girl to be old enough to be in school. I miss her when she is gone, every second of every day.  She is like my partner in crime at all things so having her at school is painful (yes, even though I have to work). I want great things for her but I worry that her sass is going to hold her back.  Sloane gives me a lot of happiness because she loves me A LOT.  To her I am her world and that does nothing but light me up.  I love how much she loves.  I want school to be fun for her and I want her to have a lot of friends.  I want her to be kind and to think of others.  I worry about all these things with her.  I am very excited to see what the future holds for her.  She started gymnastics again and is rocking it.  She has the body of a gymnast and the upper strength of a ballerina....the girl needs to lift some weights!

Kyle is in his second year as the principal at Decatur Middle School.  He LOVES it.  He is so damn good at what he does.  It is pretty amazing to sit down and have a conversation about education with him, he truly is gifted at what he does.  He has started his doctoral program at Indiana State University.  I am excited to see him complete this.  We will definitely throw a party when it is over...he won't want a party, but I will!  I am so proud to call this man my husband.  He is an amazing dad who has raised two amazing girls.  He works really hard and is really good at it.  He loves me with all of his heart.  He takes great care of Aiden and Sloane and I see both kids light up when he is around.  I am lucky to be his wife. I am lucky to have him to look up to.

A Deep Rut

I have been a teacher for 12 years.  12. Years!  I don’t feel old enough to even be out of college and I have taught long enough to see multiple students graduate high school and go to college!  It is crazy how quickly the time goes.  You don’t realize it has gone by until you look back and see so many milestones behind you. 

I love working with kids.  I love seeing them learn something new and grasp onto a new idea that they have never thought of before.  I love seeing the excitement in their eyes when they do something well.  I love the break, man I really love the breaks.  I love the amount of time I get to spend with my own kids because my schedule allows for it.  I see parents that don’t get off work until 5 and work in the summer and I simply can’t imagine what that is like.  I am very thankful for what I do. 

I am also tired of what I do.  I am in a rut, deep in a rut, stuck and trying to work my way out.  I really believe it is boredom.  Doing the same thing day after day leads you to feel like a maniac some days. Working with kids can lead some to be bonkers.  It is exhausting knowing that these kids NEED to know what you are teaching but don’t care to actually learn it.  It is exhausting meeting the needs and them re-meeting the needs of kids day after day after day.  I am finding that I am losing my patience for repeating myself. 

I wonder how people like my mom and grandma did this for well over 30 years.  I can’t imagine making it to twenty years in this day and age.  I will say, in my defense, that education has changed in the measly 12 years I have been teaching.  The focus has moved away from teach kids to love school and learn math to make kids pass a test over all the standards that is given in February.

There have always been standardized tests.  I remember taking them in 5^th grade…you know the kind where you tore open the test with your pencil?  Maybe that was just a Texas thing. 

I don’t have the answer for why schools have so drastically changed, but I do know that I don’t love it like I did back in 2004 when I started.  I hope that the spark gets back to me sometime because this truly can be a rewarding job.  When moral is low it impacts ones desire to do well.  My hope is that a light switches and I can get back to the passion that drove me.

My Mama

There is not a day that goes by that my mom doesn't cross my mind in

some capacity, whether it be a fleeting thought of what she is doing

or a memory of some sort.  With her living in Texas and me in Indiana

months will go by where we don't see each other. We talk often, almost

daily. She has kept herself very busy in retirement, which is good. I

miss her often, but I love that she is getting to live a good retired

life with our family.

My mom is quite frankly the most selfless person I know. She puts

others before herself on a daily basis and wouldn't Have it any other

way.  She volunteers her time weekly if not daily to helping others in

her community.  She works tirelessly (by choice because she doesn't

know how to sit down) on new projects around her home. My mom is a

giver, she wants everyone to be happy because I truly believe she

feels happiness from other peoples joy. She doesn't bat an eye when

someone calls to ask for something. She's a good friend and loves to

have a good time. She loves her grandkids (even the really naughty

ones) with every part of her heart. I have made a few crazy decisions

in my life and my mom has never judged or questioned me, she has

simply stood by my side. I hope to be half as patient with my children

as my mom is with me. She is a good woman.  I'm proud to call her my

mom.

Time doesn't stop

Do you ever look around and feel like life is flying by but you are still 20 years old and nothing has changed?  The only things that remind me that I am not 20 years old are the two little people that follow me around everywhere I go.  I never feel old, which I’m technically not, so I guess that makes sense. 

I have been teaching for 11 years now.  Eleven years, that is a long time.  Yet I still feel like I am on year three.  I look around at these first year teachers and I am reminded that I am not 20, yet I still feel like I am. It is crazy!

Bailey is getting ready for Prom.  I instantly go back to my prom years and it feels like it was yesterday…it wasn’t.  It was 15 years ago!  15 years has gone by since I had my hair put half up in a little bird’s nest on the top of my head and I wore the world’s most unflattering dress to our senior Prom. 15 years!  Courtney had allergies and was a mess, I had strep throat and looked ridiculous…it was a good time! Thankfully I don’t remember what anybody else’s dress looked like, therefore they (hopefully) don’t remember mine.

Time goes by fast it never feels like it in the moment but looking back on things, it all goes by very fast.  In the moments it feels like turtle speed, but years later it is just the opposite. 

Pains the Same

"The pains the same, but the tears are less."

I heard this quote last week watching something on television.  It struck a chord with me.  It sums up the death of Leslie so accurately.  It has been over 14 years since she died, 14 years.  I remember each moment like it was yesterday.  I remember the phone call from my mom sharing with me that Leslie had been in a car accident.  I remember talking to my family in Texas every day while she was in the hospital. I remember every single second of the day she died: What I was wearing.  What I ate for breakfast.  What errands I ran. 

I had gone to the Union at IU to get a CD to get the internet to work on my computer (it was 2000, technology was a little more complicated back then!).  When I got back to my dorm, my best friend and roommate, Courtney, was laying down but told me that both my parents had called.  I stepped out to the hall to call my parents so I wouldn't bother her during her nap.  I remember calling my dad's office and his secretary said he was in a meeting.  I left a message to have him call me back and she said she could get him out of the meeting if I needed her to, looking back on this phone call I realize now that she knew Leslie had died, but I didn't, I just said it wasn't a big deal and hung up.   I then called my mom's school, but they said she had left.  That was definitely weird, but I knew she had been contemplating going to Texas to be with Kippi, so I just assumed that was why she wasn't there and was needing to get a hold of me to let me know her plans. 

I knew in my heart that something wasn't right so I called the hospital number that I had been using to talk to the family and check in and that was the moment I learned of  her death.  Within seconds one of Leslie and Micki's friends told me she had died, and my world changed. I knew she wasn't well, but up until that moment I never actually believed she could die.  I didn't even think it was a possibility and I actually don't think I ever thought that death would be the end result. I knew Leslie was in a bad place, but I also knew that she would be fine....then she wasn't and that was it.  I was not in Texas to see her and to see how hurt she really was.  I had no concept that there was no way she could have survived this accident.  It was the most shocking moment of my life. 

Everything from that moment on was a whirlwind.  I remember getting off the phone and Courtney running into the hall, but all I wanted to do was take a shower (what?!?). I remember every second of that shower.  I remember just standing there trying to wrap my head around what I was just told. I remember thinking about how this can't be right.  What does this mean? How did this happen? 

I remember my mom called while I was in the shower and talked to Courtney.  My mom was so concerned, so scared, so empathetic, and was desperately trying to get to her sister. 

So much happened in that one day and it was all surreal.  I remember feeling like I was just floating through the day and was not actually in the real world.  Everything went so fast.  So many decisions had already been made and I was clueless.  My dad booked me a flight with him for the next morning so I met him at the airport.

I remember a lot about that flight.  My dad and I talked the whole time.  I think it was good for him, but better for me. He shared a lot about his life; his mom, his dad, his aunt, brother...things I never knew.  I was 18 and was just learning things about my dad's life, I remember that it made me feel selfish and I didn't want his stories to end.  

It was a LONG day of traveling.  We got a direct flight to Texas, but then had to drive to Hico. We rented a car (it was a maroon color...irrelevant) and drove for what felt like days.  Nobody was in Hico when we got there (at least nobody that I wanted to see...Micki, mom, Cole, Kippi, Donna, Bebe, Danielle) so we just waited on the people that I needed to see to arrive. Again, it was such a long day.

I think about this day often. More often than I would like to think about it.  Simply put, it was a bad day.   I used to cry a lot.  I would lay in bed every night and replay this day in my head and cry.  The day that changed my simple world.  It took years for me to not replay this event every single day.  It then took years for me to not cry at the simple thought of Leslie.  To say the pain is the same is accurate.  The pain of missing her never goes away. The pain of not knowing what her life would have looked like never goes away, but the tears stop flowing.  The tears dry up and the sadness remains. It helps to not think about it, and I love telling her stories, but it really only brings sadness for me. 

I have never been able to sum up her death until I heard the words, "the pains the same, but the tears are less."  It feels to good to write about that day.  Death is mean.  It rips your world apart and doesn't look back.  It changes you and makes you questions all things you know.  However, I always keep the good memories of Leslie in my pocket.  Her life was never dull.  She fills my heart with happiness and I love that she was a part of my world for a short 18 years.

school zone

If you drive the speed limit in a school zone you are up to something.  Nobody can naturally drive 20 mph. Police officers should sit in school zones and only pull over the people that are going 20.  THOSE people are up to something (a little day drinking....a warrant....a little drugs). Those of us driving faster than the speed of turtle are doing what every clear thinking person would do, driving at a normal speed.

I stare.... a lot

I have always stared at people.  I am always silently imagining their conversations, decisions, thoughts while staring directly at them. I used to be a brilliant observer - I say observer because it sounds better than stalker- I never got caught and was able to pick up on so much.  I could see when someone was happy, mad, sad and could tell their story simply by watching their body language.  It was a skill that I was really proud of having.

As I have gotten "older" (I put "older" in quotes because I am not that old) I think I have lost a little bit of my skill.  I used to never get caught staring and now it's like people can sense me.  I make eye contact and have to do the sudden look away so they don't catch on to my game.  It is a little uncomfortable (for them, not me).  I have also found that I don't even care if they realize I am staring I just keep looking, silently judging all their actions and then I realize, holy shit they totally know what I am doing!

I especially like to watch people when I am at dinner.  I find that this is the time where I can learn most about a complete stranger.  I tell myself that it isn't weird to do this - it is, I know - but people are LOUD and basically want me to know what is going on in their lives.  Basically, I am doing them a favor by staring and listening to their private conversations. 

Faces

These kids faces are too much to handle sometimes.  Their personalities are so big!  I love who they are as little people and get more and more joy from them as they get big (most of the time!).

They got Wendy's for dinner the other night and mouth/lips were the "prizes"  in their meals. Aiden got a normal little smile mouth while Sloane got a Frankenstein devilish mouth.  It was like destiny.  The mouths they got matched their personalities to a 't'!

Innocence

Innocence is where I live.  I live such a simple life.  I wake up each morning.  Kiss my husband, my kids, my dog.  Get myself ready for work.  Make my lunch and leave for school.  I go to work.  I pick my kids up from school. We come home, do homework, play, eat.  I give the kids baths. We read books and go to bed.  I crawl into my bed with my husband and do it all again the next day.  Again, a simple life.

It is normal to me.  This is what my life is and to me what the "normal" life is.  The reality is that this is nothing normal for most people.  There is so much more out there that I guess I simply choose to ignore.  The violence, racism, wars, hate, rape, abuse, hunger, depression, illness, homelessness…and while I am sure the list could go on, that is all I have for now. All of this right under my nose, yet I am fairly clueless about all of it.

I see violence on the news every second of everyday.  Someone is always being murdered, robbed, attacked, raped…. Someone is always getting arrested and I am almost always unfazed.  I was distraught over Sandy Hook Elementary and how many young children were murdered at the hands of a lunatic. Yet I read about a man killing another man in an argument over a female and I am unfazed.  Is it because it wasn't a child?  Is it because the violence seems far away from me, even though it is less than 30 miles away? Is it because I am numb to it?

I’m white and while I don’t experience racism daily I see it often.  I think it is easier to sit back and act like it doesn’t happen, but the reality is it is everywhere.  Racism happens to all people not just black people.  I try to live my life without seeing color, but of course I am not blind so I can actually see color.  I try to teach my children the same thing, that all humans are human no ifs, ands, or buts. However, the reality is racism happens to people everywhere.  Women don’t get jobs because they are female; when in reality they were just as capable for the job. The tattooed guy walking down the street makes everyone a little nervous; when in reality he is a great family guy.  The black man with his hood up makes you walk down the other side of the street, when in reality he’s cold.  Everyone assumes the Asian girl is extra smart when in reality she struggles in school like the rest of us.  There are so many stereotypes that occur and many of them are simply racist.  Because I don’t experience direct racism, being a white female, it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.  There are things that are a major problem in our society and there are parents that are raising their children to be downright mean and hateful to other kids…this I witness often being a teacher.  Even to discuss democrat and republican parties leads to the most hateful things, all learned from the mouths of parents.  But, again this does not always faze me.  I am once again numb to the ignorance of so many people in our society. Racism goes so many ways and I don’t see very many people teaching our children the right thing.  Why is that?  Is there more that I can do?

I saw American Sniper a few days ago.  What a transforming film.  It changed the way I look at soldiers and men and women of the military.  They are by far the most amazing humans that have graced our planet.  While many do not fight in a war, those that do have literally given their lives (even if they lived) for us.  Whether they wanted to or not, they gave up part of themselves to fight for us.  The reality is that I have NO IDEA what this means.  I can’t wrap my head around the lives that these people have led.  I go to work and don’t once worry about being hurt. I have NO IDEA what this is like for their families…the fear they live for the entire time they are gone, must be intolerable.  I am a “worst case scenario” person so for me, it would literally stop my world if I had to have a family member in a war. My life is so simple; it is hard for me to understand what this world would be like.  How selfish is this? Should I be doing more for the soldiers? Does it make me naïve that it took a movie to make me think more in-depth about the lives they lay on the line every single day? Does it make me self-centered to think that since they made it home alive they are “ok”?

rape

I am a teacher.  I see students everyday that have next to nothing.  I deal with parents who could not care less about their own children (generally I deal with the opposite, parents that care too much...I am a parent that cares too much). I see the effects of this on children.  I see children walking on the street when it is pitch black out because their parents have no car and aren't worried about their well being.  I have seen children who slept with rats that cats brought in their house.  I have dealt with students who have had lice all year long because nobody at home actually knows what to do about it.  I have seen kids that are hungry, homeless, alone.  Yet, I am almost immune to it.  Unfazed by it.  How wrong is that? Does that make me cold? Does it make me selfish? Am I numb to it after 11 years?

There are so many things that people go through and I have no idea because my life is my number one concern.  It is amazing to think that there are people who are so sad and so angry in their own lives that living is just too much.  I live a simple life, things are good so my awareness of people who are low is not what it should be.  Do I get sad? Yes. But my life is good!  My life is easy.  I don’t even know what it is like to live every day being sad and lonely.  People do this every second of every day. Many times we don’t know they are sad and lonely until it is just too late.  I know that I am naïve to this, yet there is very little that I do about it.  I worry about those close to me.  Are they happy? Are they ok?  Is there someone that feels low and I don’t know it?  Depression is another thing that I can’t wrap my head around.  I have experienced a lot (hasn’t everyone?) and I always bounce back.  It is hard to understand not bouncing back.

Depression is an illness and I never understood this until recently.  I always associated an illness with a physical reaction/problem to something.  I have witnessed people sick, to the point of no return and I have witnessed people sick that have come back and have been given a new start.  I hope that I never have to experience illness with my own family again.  Watching someone die of cancer (or anything at that matter) was awful, but to have to experience that with a child would be unbearable.  I see so many sad stories on facebook every single day, which I have no understanding of.  I just, again, can’t wrap my head around it.  So many things happen to people everyday while I sit and live my simple life. 

For Christmas a couple of years ago Kyle and I helped out a food bank.  It was incredible how many people are homeless.  I was really impacted by it, that day.  I have said I will do more to help, but I haven’t.  Kyle’s barber has off every Monday and goes and cuts hair for the homeless.  How incredible is that?  Every single week he does an unbelievably selfless act, I can’t even donate one day a year?!! I talk with my kids about how lucky they are to have all that they have, but they don’t truly understand.  Hell, I don’t truly understand how lucky I am.  I have a bad day and act like it is the end of the world.  I think if I did more for others, I would be able to appreciate the life I have been given.  Now I do work hard, so every penny that I make I earned, don’t get me wrong.  But I do think that if I did more for people that are not in as good of a situation it would help build perspective. It is hard to grasp what led all of these people to the path of homelessness.  Will I ever truly understand how they go to that point?  Is this possible for anybody?

When you sit down and look around at all the things we are surrounded by it is overwhelming.  While there are so many amazing things in this world, there are also devastating things that are sitting right in front of you.  Sometimes my simple life gets in the way of the reality of so many others.