Say. It. Isn't. So.

Kyle and I are getting married!  Yes, Married! 

I have met the man that I know I want to spend each and every one of my days with.  The man I am proud to stand next to and call my own.  The man who makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.  The man who loves me like he has never loved anything more.  The man who makes me feel whole and happy. 

Kyle and I have talked about marriage for a lot of our relationship.  I am not a fan of the traditional ways (ie the proposal).  I feel like in our situation and our life marriage was a huge deal because it is something that we want our kids to treasure and be a part of. I want for the kids to know what marriage is truly about....something I don't think I learned until I was older.

I didn't want to be proposed to, I didn't want an engagement ring, and I didn't want a traditional wedding and reception.  I am so particular (I am still trying to figure out why Kyle wants to marry me?!?).  Once I realized that we can get married without a big proposal and a big wedding I was ready!!

We did a some ring shopping.  We did some venue hunting.  We made it official! We told our parents first, the kids next, then our friends!

Our parents were happy for us, as expected!  My dad isn't the most emotional human so I think he said, "well that's good"....my mom cried....Kyle's parents were very excited that he is happy and we are making it official!

Telling the kids was crazy fun!  I was nervous, not to tell them, but just for their reactions. Kyle and I made a video with pictures (played music) and put a some pictures of us and the kids. In the video were these three photos:

Everyone was standing/sitting around the kitchen table and we played the video.  It wasn't very long so we knew they would know pretty quickly. When the girls saw it they let out a little holler and Aiden looked at me, knowing he can't read I told him what it said.  Aiden got a little grin on his face and Sloane looked at us, but quickly realized there was still music playing so she was way too distracted by the video to care about our news.  Aiden then turned around to Kyle and I, wrapped his little arms around us, kissed us both on the cheeks, then yelled, "GROUP HUG EVERYBODY!"  It brought tears to my eyes (not just because everything brings tears to my eyes) because he was genuinely excited for us.  He knows we are happy and I love that.  Sloane watched the video a few more times, the girls immediately started texting their friends, and life went back to normal.  A football game ensued outside and cleanup began inside.

Sloane has since told everyone that we are all getting married (her, Aiden, Kailyn, Bailey, and Kyle).  She is very excited about picking out a dress....she shops daily on the iPad. 

I am happy.  It is a wonderful place to be.  I love Kyle, with all my heart and can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together!

back to school

Well it's official.....Aiden is in elementary school!  I still can't believe that he is old enough to be in kindergarten, yet he is! Sloane has also started her life as a preschooler, which is just as crazy to me.  I think Sloane will always be my little baby.  It gives me a lot of joy to see Aiden getting big and becoming a boy, but it makes me sad to see Sloane so grown up.  I guess there is a double standard with my two little people.  I forever want Sloane to be this little girl.....but I look forward to watching Aiden grow up and become a young man.

The first few days were rough.  In fact Sloane cried for an hour after day one....I don't think she understood what just happened.  I dropped her off.....then came back a million hours later.  I don't think she had a grasp of "school," even with us talking about it constantly.

Aiden had a great first couple of days.....but then cried every morning before school.  We are on his second full week of school and he is his normal happy self now.  No tears in the morning and is bouncing out to the car every afternoon.  They have a color system in his class (green is good....red is bad).  He has managed to make it to yellow a few times (so I know his teacher is getting the TRUE Aiden everyday.  He usually has a good excuse for his behavior.....and never argues about his consequence for not being on green (no iPad time for the evening) which means he KNEW he was in the wrong.

I have great kids. I am reminded of that daily.  I want them to love school and to stay happy little people. 

Low Point

I started this blog about a year ago.  I wanted to have something to document where my life was and where it was going.  I wanted to highlight the highs of my life while at the same time not ignore the lows.  So prepare yourself, this is a low.

I like to think that I don’t compare myself to others, but let’s be honest I DO.  It is a terrible fault of mine.  I sometimes think that other people have it so much better or so much easier, blah blah blah (and sometimes it is the other way around, I feel so lucky and so honored to have the life I have).  I don’t know why I do this.  There are just some days (I can almost pinpoint these days to a “t”) I feel sorry for myself.

I don’t live a normal life, but what is a “normal life?” I do have a million things to be thankful for, yet there are days where I am sad.  I miss my kids.  I miss them when I am with them because I know that in a few short days they will be with their dad and I won’t have them with me anymore.  I get mad when I see my friends with their kids and they don’t have to miss their kids.  I get mad when I hear parents complain about not getting a break from their kids and here I am desperate to get my hands on my own.  I feel selfish but I NEVER voice my opinion and here is why: I know what it is like to be with my kids all the time. I know why moms need a break.  I know why parents are tired. 

But see, here is my problem I am not tired.  I so desperately want to be tired.  I want to WANT a break.  I so desperately want to NEED a break.  But I don’t have these things because I have to spend time away from my kids while they get to spend time with their dad.  I will never have a normal motherhood experience and I feel sorry for myself.  I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, but by God I do. 

I choose not to do things where I know that kids will be there and my kids will not.  It is something that I struggle with because I don’t want to miss out on things or hurt others in the process but I simply can’t be a part of something that my kids should be a part of and can’t.  I will miss my best friends kids’ birthday parties next weekend because I won’t have my kids.  I hate to not be there, I love those two kids like my own, but I can’t be there and feel ok without Aiden and Sloane.  Every Tuesday there are free concerts (which are the bomb.com by the way) in our town, I don’t go unless I have my kids.  I can’t watch all these little people run around, dance, play and not feel a huge sense of emptiness inside. I have a love hate relationship with Facebook because it makes me miss my kids.  People post all their pictures of their kids and I sit there wishing I could have mine home with me all the time….it puts me in a bad mood. 

I don’t want to be in a bad mood.  I want to be me.  I want to feel fulfilled every day, not just on the days where I have my kids.  I have not and will never claim to be an expert on divorce.  I will however claim to do my best with the situation I am in.  I feel like (and have been complimented on by many---pat.on.my.back) for how well I have handled all the changes that have occurred in my life and my kids.  But at what point does this get better?  I am at a loss for how I will feel this way for the rest of my life (or until these two little people go to college---unless they want me to go with them, which I would do in a heartbeat). 

Life is hard.  I know this.  Nothing is easy and everybody is fighting their own battles.  I am sure there are people who look at me and think ‘she has it made’…. which I know I do.  I have two healthy kids who love life.  I have an amazing partner in Kyle who puts up with me.  I have met the two most amazing teenage girls and I have loved getting to know them. I have great friends.  I have an incredibly supportive family.  I have a roof over my head.  I have dinner on the table and lots of snacks in the fridge. I have a good job. I am healthy (minus my eating habits, which I think will make me live forever-others say will kill me early).

I have to learn to focus on the positive.  I need to learn to be ok with what my life is with Aiden and Sloane and be thankful for the times I have them.  I just haven’t gotten to where I am ok with not seeing them all the time.  I miss their faces and more importantly I know they miss mine.  Sloane would glue herself to me and I would be ok with it.  Aiden called me last week (his week with his dad) crying because he missed me, my heart broke.  It broke in half and I don’t think it has healed.  I don’t want my kids to miss me.  I never want them to think I am not there. 

Being divorced is hard.  Life is hard. I will try to focus on the positives.  I know that life could be so much worse.

Arkansas, meet Aiden & Sloane

We just got back from out trip to Greers Fairy Lake in Arkasas....what an amazing place!

Kyle's parents have a condo right on the water and were amazing enough to have my kids join his family for their summer trip.  It was a great trip!  The kids had a blast, the teens had a blast, and the grown ups had a blast! The weather was incredible.....right in my wheel house of hot and sweaty.

We spent everyday in the water, on the boat, eating, on the jet ski, jumping cliffs, eating, taking golf cart rides, swimming, eating, and spending time together. 

Kailyn, Sloane & Bailey Tubing (Sloane loved it!)

Kailyn, Aiden & Bailey Tubing--he wasn't sure about it, but did enjoy it (aside from his face of fear)

Kailyn & Bailey--Kailyn could tube all day!

Kailyn jumping

Bailey Jumping

Kyle Jumping----I jumped too, but we only have video so no pics

A couple of days Sloane took a little nappy on the boat....I wish I could have napped too, but Aiden doesn't sit long enough to allow this!

Crazy clear water!

Instead I napped in the water.

Kyle and his dad, Jim, jumping.

She watched Aiden jump, so she walked right over and jumped then looked up with this "what in the hell just happened" face.....it was awesome.  Love how brave she is.

Aiden was brave too!! He worked his way up to this point and would have jumped 50 more times if we had let him.

Princess treatment with the nap today.

 

It was a great trip.  I hope my kids didn't leave such an impression that we aren't asked to come back next year :)!

Aiden-how long?

Aiden is 5, will be 6 in October.  He tells people he is 10, which brings a tear to my eye because I don't want him to be 10.....I don't want him to be 6, I really like him at 5.

How long will he let me hold his hand before he starts to pull it away?  How long will he kiss me when he is excited?  How long will he stop what he is doing and run up to me when I see him after school?  How long will he let me play guns and legos with him? 

I look at him and am amazed at the boy he is.  I love this kid, with all my heart and struggle with seeing him grow up. I love the way he is and don't want him to change. 

Running...I just don't get it!

Running....wooof! I don't get how people run.  I am not a runner.  I mean, I have run, a few times in my life.  I have run with Amanda who wanted to talk the whole time and well let's just say I can get out a grunt or two but nothing that actually forms words. 

The family and I went to the mini-marathon to cheer on Kyle and his dad at their 400th run of the Mini (slight exaggeration....they aren't old enough to have done it 400 times).  As we were waiting for Kyle I was watching all of these people walk away from their "13.something" mile run and I was amazed at their ability.  I mean, let's be honest, if I tried to run the mini I am pretty sure I would make it to 1.1 miles and then would need an ambulance to bring me some oxygen.  Kyle ran it in under 2 hours....in the two hours he was running I was sitting down stuffing my face full of yummy breakfast fat. 

Here are some of the people after his run.

Aiden didn't seem to care that Kyle just ran a million miles...he is such a selfish little bird.

Kyle and his dad after the mini....amazing!

Mother's Day is my day

I have never been a big fan of celebrating me.  I have never loved birthdays or days that are about me.  I don't like opening presents (I like getting things, don't get me wrong), there is just so much pressure.  I do love giving presents though....I am such a kind soul. 

Mother's Day this year was amazing.  It was a day that wasn't all about me, but all about my family.  I loved spending time with Kyle and the kids and just being normal.  The day started with breakfast with my mom and Kyle then we picked the kids up from their dad and hung out with Gami.  We gave her a bracelet and card from the little people.  Aiden and Sloane have no concept of GIVING and that makes me a little insane.  I work hard to get them to enjoy getting gifts for others, but for some reason all they want to do is receive gifts from others (I hope that all 3 & 5 year olds are selfish.....).  Sloane is a little better about giving, she likes to "sign/make" cards and hand a present to someone, but Aiden is not a fan. 



Anyway, we hung out with Gami then had to head to Aiden's football game.  It was a great game because only 5 boys showed up, which meant that Aiden got to play the whole game. I am pretty sure his team scored all the points and stopped the other team all but once, but I am NOT bragging or anything.

As soon as football was over we stopped and got some snacks (a slurpy and chips---call us high class) and went downtown for a day of fun.  We paddle boated on the canal.....rode bikes behind the zoo....walked around a little bit and just simply enjoyed the day.  Paddle boating is a lot of work (says Kyle....I was uber relaxed).

We stopped and took a group pic, everyone is looking and smiling!

A found a little rocky area to play and hide.....he is a funny boy.

Why must he never smile like a normal kid....or does he smile like a normal kid?!?

Our little bike ride around town.....so fun!

She really loves him.....if only it was mutual.  ONE DAY, right???

After our downtown fun we went to my dads for dinner and more play.  Dad was mowing when we arrived so Aiden hitched a little ride around the yard.  He was really nervous to ride until I told him he had done it before, then he was all about. Sloane, in her typical fashion, hit up the swings and stayed there all afternoon.

It was a good day.  In fact, it was the best mother's day I have ever had.  I don't know if it was the company or the good moods....but it was most definitely great.