Cruelness of Life

"If I only knew then what I know now."

Sayings are annoying, especially the old timey ones that kind of make you want to punch someone in the throat.  Truth is they are annoying because they are true.  I don't like being slapped with reality. 

Kyle and I were talking at the lake (we had A LOT of time to talk) and we realized that the cruelest part of life is not knowing what you need to know until after it's needed.

At the age of 30 I became very confident and happy with who I am as a person.  I accepted me for me and it felt great.  I still worry about things I can't control, I still worry about people, and what people think....but all in all I am so happy with who I am as a person. I like myself.  I like me.  It took 30 years to get there and that is cruel.   Why couldn't I have felt like this at 14, or 19, or 23?  Do you know how much easier my teenage years would have been if I felt the way I feel now?

As a teenager so many kids happiness is based on others and how others make them feel. I watch Kailyn, who is 13, and I want to just take my 31 year old thoughts of me and make them hers.  I don't want her to base her happiness on how others see her, I want her to base her happiness on HER, nobody but her. She doesn't do this yet, but I hope that she learns this lesson far before 30.

I have these same thoughts for Sloane and Aiden.  I wonder what it will be like for Aiden as he grows.  I am a girl, not a boy, boys had cooties and were stinky so I have no concept for what being a teenage boy is like.  A teenage girl's life is hard.  It is so hard, only a teenage girl can get it. 

I am thankful for the me now.  I like her.  I think I am pretty awesome. I think I am really damn funny.  I am confident in myself.  I am thankful for finally knowing now what I wish I had known then.

being a mom

The sun is finally shining in Indiana.  It took about 7.5 months to happen, but by God it is finally nice out!  We spent Memorial Day weekend IN THE POOL! It was better than Christmas morning!

The kids are fish.  They love to swim.  We spent probably close to 8 hours in the water between Sunday and Monday.  It was pretty magical!

Aiden got sunburned.  Badly… it is no ordinary sunburn!  I used sunscreen a few times….but apparently I wasn’t paying much attention and missed a section of his back/shoulder.  It is a pretty nasty burn (in one area of his back).  I like to think it took almost 7 years of being in the sun before I allowed the boy to get sunburned (we call that a win) but the burn is bad so I feel awful about it. 

When you are divorced and things like that happen you feel even worse than a “normal” parent.  Not only do you have to deal with the fact that you allowed him to get burned/hurt/(insert injury here) but you have to “explain yourself” to the other parent(s) in their life. 

You feel like the babysitter who has to explain the bumped head when the parents arrive home. 

When you are married, as a parent you just go through life living out the ins and outs together and you experience your mistakes as a team.  When you are divorced you experience them alone, therefore leaving you to appear as though the other parent “knows better” because it didn’t happen to them (this time). 

In all reality, shit happens.  You make mistakes, you screw up, you do stuff that you realize was stupid.  It is called life.  I will never do things perfectly with my kids and that is what makes me a good mom.  I experience things with my kids and sometimes things turn out a little rocky. They get sick, they get hurt, they get ear infections, they break an arm, they bump their knee, they bump their heads, and the list goes on.  That is parenting. If Sunday rolls around and someone didn’t get hurt then we didn’t leave the couch all week!

I clearly know now that spray sunscreen is super convenient but totally blows.  I also know that when I ask Aiden to put his swimsuit shirt on and he says the shirt is “not cool” that I should just TELL him to do it. 

My kids will get hurt in my lifetime….I wish I didn’t have to explain myself to other people, but here I sit, explaining myself to people.  Nobody gets to sit when their hands in their laps thinking, “see I am better and would never let that happen…” the reality is it does happen to every parent.  I just need to remind myself of that (often).

I have learned quickly not to judge other moms/dads.  Every kid is different.  Every kid handles things differently. Every parent is different.  Every parents handles things differently. 

Now I need to go rub some aloe on this kid!

celebrating a bride

My BFF from way back when is getting married in July.  Shelly is marrying her soul mate, her best friend... and let me tell you they are perfect for each other.  I used to be jealous of what she had with Grant until I found Kyle.  Now I am just overjoyed for her.  She loves him with all heart and you can see it in her eyes when she speaks of him, it is truly amazing. 

We threw her a shower (I didnt' do much, let's be honest....parties are not my thing) this past weekend.  She was stunning as usual.  She glows and I love that.  The best part about the shower was that I got to spend time with all the people that I have known since 1994....the year I moved here. 

I got to spend time with the people who know me inside and out and that is always a good feeling.  I don't make friends easily (in fact I think I have made 2 friends since I was in 6th grade...Lacey and Kathleen, you are very lucky people). Having friends for this long is rare and I have no doubts that our worlds will continue to be connected forever.

Shelly is a naturally beautiful soul inside and out.  She is truly passionate about things.  She is open and honest and wears her heart on her sleeve.  You know how she is feeling in any situation based on her facial expressions.  She is trustworthy and easy to talk to.  She  has been my shoulder to cry on and my rock to depend on for so many years.  No matter when I call, she is available and understanding.  A friendship like that doesn't come often and I am thankful that I have her.

I am excited to be celebrating her...not just for the wedding and the party but because she is truly someone to celebrate.  Cheers to Shelly for being a good friend and continuing
to be herself after 20 years of friendship!

Proud Mama

This past weekend was a big weekend for Aiden and Sloane!

I will start with Aiden.  Aiden had a rough start to the week at school (a couple yellow days here and there) and had to sit out during the first inning of his VERY FIRST baseball game as punishment.  I think this punishment was as hard on me as it was on him. After the game his coach told him he needed him to do good at school because he needs him to be able to play….the same conversation that we have had with Aiden (a million times over).  The next couple of days at school Aiden did GREAT….even had a BLUE day (and let me tell you that doesn’t happen often).  On Saturday he had another game and did great! Had 2 RBIs, 4 runs, got a guy out on first after an excellent play….he just did REALLY well (yes, I am bias)! At the end of the game one player is awarded the game ball and my little Aiden got the game ball! I cried (behind my sunglasses, b/c that is what I do….I am a crier). I was incredibly proud of him, not for getting the game ball, but for doing well.  For trying harder at school.  For working his tail off at baseball.  For being proud of himself.  I saw a little fire in his eyes after that game….it was amazing!

Sloane also had a big weekend; it was recital weekend!  She works from January until April on her recital dance and May 4^th was her big day.  Saturday was rehearsal and she did great.  She sat patiently waiting on the other dancers…it is solid entertainment (most of the time). On Sunday was the actual performance.  She had a lot of family come watch.  I stayed backstage with her the whole time (I am a helicopter mom, I am ok with it). She got her little self up on stage and danced her heart out! She smiled and danced and smiled some more.  She is a natural star (again, I am bias). At the end she went up and sang the final song with all the other dancers and did a great job, once again.  At the very end she got a TROPHY….she couldn’t have been more excited.  Sloane really becomes a little star when she is in the spotlight.  She takes it very seriously; it is pretty much amazing to watch.  I cried the whole time she danced (people think I am crazy, it’s ok).  

This weekend was a big weekend for my little people, which made it a big weekend for their mama.  I am very proud to be able to call them my kids.  I love how happy they are when they are in their zones.  It makes me feel like I have done a lot of things right with them (to at least counteract all the things I have done wrong).  Being a mom doesn’t come with a handbook, it should! Seeing your kids smile makes all the wrongs right in the world.  I am very lucky to have Aiden and Sloane as my own!

Sloane dresses herself....

I love having a daughter.  It is so much fun.  Sloane is just the right amount of girl with the right amount of rough.

She has begun to dress herself each morning.  She picks her clothes out the night before.  Holds them up, throws them on the ground, and goes back for something new. This happens around 6 times before she finds just the right mix of leggings, dress, skirt, shirt, or cardigan.  It is funny to watch, but my blood boils as clothes fly off the hangers and land on the ground.  This girl is OBSESSED with clothes.  She changes at least 3 times a day and always ends up in a fancy dress and high heel shoes (thanks Lacey).

Everyday she wants to wear a dress and boots.  Fancy pink cowboy boots that she got for her birthday from my dad and step-mom.  She LOVES them.  I have to help her see that she does have other options for shoes......usually my words are not accepted.

Every night she starts with what shoes she wants to wear then picks her outfits from there.  I have bought her a million pairs of pants in hopes that she will choose (just one day) one pair to wear.  It doesn't happen...ever.  I have bribed her before, but that doesn't work because by the time the morning roles around she forgets the bribe and throws a fit because she wants to wear a dress.

I stand over her while she chooses her outfits to be a voice of reason for her.  I feel like if I don't she is going to come out looking like a clown.  She loves patterns....patterns on her pants, patterns on her top, patterns on her skirt, patterns on her socks (which have to be on JUST right... or else), patterns on her bow. She wants patterns everywhere and well this just can't happen (not everyday at least).  So I try to help guide (push) her to what looks good.

To be honest sometimes I am amazed at what she puts together.  I think it looks cute or I am blinded by her cuteness because Kyle will look at me with pure confusion as to why we are going in public with the smallest mismatched human on earth.

Winter was good because she had to wear a coat over all the crazyiness ... but those days (thankfully) are coming to an end! And Sloane is joining the world in all her crazy.  She definitley feels confident in her clothes, so I will jsut stand there and let it be.  It has taken 4 years, 1 month, and 16 days for me to let go of wanting to pick out all of her outfits (that is a lie, I haven't let go).  It is kind of nice to let her be her and watch what she comes up with.

I vow to always be her voice of reason.....ALWAYS.

The other day we went to the park and she had tennis shoes, lace leggings, a frilly skirt, a nike shirt that says "flyer than most", and pig tails.  It was something else.  I looked at her and told Kyle that I thought she looked cute, at that moment I realized that love really does blind you!

Side note: I wanted to post a picture to prove my words, but I found that ALL wacky outfits put together by Sloane are photographed in black and white!!!! I am smarter than I know!

Amanda and Dan

I have written about Amanda before.  Her and her husband are currently adopting three kids from the DRC (Democratic Republic of Congo).  At this moment they are in Africa spending a week with their three children.  Three children that see Amanda and Dan as mom and dad, but can't go home with them.  I have been overwhelmed with empathy for what is going on many times over the last year but more recently the last few days. 

This experience has shown me what true perseverance looks like. There is a very slim chance that Amanda and Dan will be able to bring their three children home with them and I just can't wrap my head around how that will feel.  Amanda and I spoke a lot prior to going (as usual I was super helpful by saying "I just don't know......I can't imagine....this is so hard"), but there is really no way to prepare yourself for that.  They will get to come home to their two biological children, but that in no way can ease the pain of leaving their adoptive children.  They fly home Sunday, so all I ask is that by the grace of God they are able to leave that country with three children in tow.  I pray that this happens for them and it is easy and painless for all parties involved.

Amanda has updated us throughout their trip, which is wonderful because it makes us feel like we are a part of this long awaited trip.  I cry with every post and every comment.  I indulge in every video and every picture posted a million times over.  My kids are excited to meet these children. It only makes sense to bring them HOME, but life is never that simple.

I want to say that I will forever be changed by the this Amanda and Danny.  They really have no idea how their passion to become adoptive parents has changed all of those close to them. This has been the most brutal fight that they NEVER dreamed of having, and yet they are sitting in the DRC holding those kids as I type this.  That is perseverance, that is passion, that is love, and that is hope.  It is something amazing.  Something I can't put into words. 

I pray that you get off that plane with your three kids so that your life can be complete and you can begin to live. 

why? why? why? why? why?

Aiden has a discovered a word that is going to be the end of me....no, it's not some bad word or mean word, it is the word WHY?!!!

He asks "why" to everything.

It is time for dinner. "Why?"
We need to do your homework. "Why?" (now that I kinda get...notice I said "we" do homework....yeah I thought I'd never have to do homework again....wrong)
He is 21 (talking about someones age). "Why?" (I mean, really!?!?)
Do you want to go see that Bears movie? "Why?"
You have a football game Sunday. "Why?"
We need to get home so we can get dinner ready. "Why?" (son, I JUST told you why....)

That word is so annoying.  There really are no words to compare a curious 6 year old and the use of "Why?".  He asks it with everything, relevant or not.

I do love his curiosity.....I am just trying to be positive, it is flat out awful.  Not gonna be sad when this "stage" ends.