there are no words

Heartbreak.  I felt it all weekend.  I can’t stop empathizing with the families from Connecticut.  I see Aiden and Sloane in every one of those little faces.  I see myself in every one of those adults. 

I read a blog article yesterday called What Six Looks Like, it was as if someone climbed in my head and unscrambled all my thoughts of this tragedy.  If you have a chance, please read it.  

To sum up what she said in a couple of sentences (I am a brilliant summarizer) she said that six is simple.  Six is fun.  Six is easy.  Six loves cookies and ice cream for dinner and six loves playing in the rain.  Six loves to laugh and whine and throw little fits.  Six is supposed to be the beginning.   But for those twenty six and sevens, it was the end.  What I liked about this article is that it didn't make me cry for those babies, it made me realize what six is.  I look at Aiden sometimes and expect BIG things from him....he is five.  Five isn't a mind reader.  Five isn't a chef.  Five isn't independent.  Five is easy.  Five is carefree.  Five is not responsible.  Five is fun.

I can’t stop thinking about how those innocent children must have felt.  How scared they must have been.  How brave those women were.  How quickly all of those lives were taken.  How sad their families are and forever will be.  How heartbroken that community is.  And how changed the world is….TODAY.

Will we stay affected?  Will we make any changes?  Are there changes to make?  Will this happen again?  Will my kids be safe? Will I be safe? Who will answer all of my questions? 

There has been lots of shootings since Columbine, which was the first shooting that directly affected me.  I was in high school at that time.  I remember watching the media coverage of all the students running out of that building with their hands on their heads.  It was life changing to watch, for me.  I believe it had to have been life changing for all people to watch, but here we are 13 years later and there has been over 30 school shootings since that date. I bet you can’t name them.  I can’t.  I can’t tell you any other school shooting than Virginia Tech. So was Columbine really life changing for me? Did those teenagers and one teacher die for nothing? 

Has our world become so numb to shootings that we don’t even remember them?  Are we that ok with how are world works that we don’t find it to be a big deal until 27 peoples lives are lost due to one human?

Something has to be done.  Something.  I don't have the anwers.  I don't even think I have any ideas.  But what I know is that I love my kids at home and I love my kids at school.  How can I look at all of their faces and tell them they are safe, when they may not be?  

I squeeze my (at home) kids tighter now.  I kiss them more (which they really get annoyed with).  As much as Newtown has devastated me, I am so lucky.  I empathize with each one of those families. I can't and don't ever want to imagine their grief.

It's ok to be sad

Every Sunday is bittersweet for me.  I either wake up knowing that I will pick Aiden and Sloane up from their dads or wake up knowing I will drop Aiden and Sloane off with their dad.  On the days that I drop them off, I am sad.  Sad that I won't see them that night.  Sad that I won't tuck them in bed.  Sad that I won't read them their nightly story or sing them their nightly songs.  Sad that I won't know exactly what is going on in their little lives.

I chose my life.  I chose my divorce.  I chose for my kids to grow up like this.  So is it ok to be sad?  I believe it is.

I am ok with being sad anytime I am away from them.  I am ok with being sad anticipating being away from them.

I worry about their little souls all the time.  It is what parents do....we worry (see first blog).

I have accepted that it is ok to be sad. My decisions will always impact theirs, but I will do my best to make sure that my decisions positively impact their well being. Every parent wants happy and healthy children.  Lucky for me, I have that.  I will do my best to keep that.

kids and their friends

Aiden and his long time (of 5 years) friend Pressley came home with us from school the other day.  On our way home Pressley told Aiden all about the movie she saw that weekend.  It warmed my heart listening to them talk to each other and listen to what the other way saying.  Pressley told Aiden all about it and Aiden asked her questions, like grown ups.  It was neat to hear.  I had an instant, 'oh wow stop growing up' moment.

We went to the park after school---where we froze our rears off. 

Yesterday we went to the park with Amanda and her kiddos, where we didn't freeze b/c it was 70 degrees out.  I loved watching Aiden and Cecelia come up with games to play.  Aiden does a great job of including other kids (even though he would rather be playing football and wrestling).  Aiden, Sloane, and Cealy played Red Light/Green Light which was AWESOME to watch.  I love all these kids!

Broken Thumb

Aiden had a little accident with a bar stool last week.  He was standing under it and it fell forward....his little thumb was smashed in between the ground and the leg of the stool.  It immediately turned purple, but didn't swell up.  We "iced" it with corn, which you would have thought was poisonous.  He went to sleep later that night.....and slept ALL night. 

When we got up for school the next morning....wellllllll it was REALLY swollen.  REALLLLLY swollen.  I got him up, gave him some tylenol and said "alright bud, it will be ok let's go to school."  As soon as I dropped him off at school I had immediate guilt.  I felt like a terrible mother.  I called the school secretary and said I needed a sub.....dropped off Sloane....called Rebecca Matthews (my old co-worker who works at Aiden's school) and had her go get Aiden out of class and take him to her classroom....got to school....wrote my sub plans.....waited on the sub.  As soon as the sub got to school, I bolted.  Got to his school, picked him up, took him to medcheck and sat in the parking lot waiting for it to open.  Why was I rushing around?  I guess I should have checked med check's hours.

 We were second into the doctor....xrays done....

Fractured thumb....the tip of his thumb was fractured.  Awesome....call me MOM OF THE YEAR.  We went straight to a specialist to make sure that the fracture wasn't on a growth plate.  He has a metal brace thing that goes over his thumb.

He couldn't suck his thumb, which I thought was a blessing in disguise.  NOT....he is now a finger sucker.  Even BETTER.

For the Love....

As a parent there are times when you are simply overwhelmed.  I spent the last thirty minutes getting the kids ready for bed.  Reading our book, singing our three songs, and laying in bed with Sloane then Aiden.  Generally bed time is always an overwhelming time for me because I have very little patience at 8:00 at night. Not tonight.  I spent that thirty minutes gradually becoming more and more overwhelmed with the love that I have for these two people. 

There are times when you look at your kids and you become amazed at who they are.  They do little things that fill your heart and bring a smile to your face.  I stare at both my kids a lot.  I can tell you about every little line on their face and curl in their eyelashes and how each hair lays on their heads.  I can tell you where all their freckles are and what their fingernails look like and how perfectly round their bellies are.  I am a little obsessed with my kids, but I would never fool you...they make me crazy, a lot.  But all of those 'a lots' are overshadowed by short moments of overwhelming love. 

I was laying in bed with Sloane tonight and she rubbed my back.  SHE rubbed MY back.  Then she began to rub my cheeks.  She told me she loved me and laid her little hand on my arm.  It took my breath away. She took my breath away.  She is perfection.  She is love.  She is amazing.

Monday Kyle and I took the little people to Kohls to get them new stockings and I let them each pick out an ornament.  Sloane picked out Barbie (of course) and Aiden picked out a football player (no surprise to us).  When we got back to the house we got out of the car and Aiden looked at me and said, 'thanks mom.'  Now, I know this isn't a big deal.  Kids should say thank you all the time, but let's be honest....they don't.  They say it most often because we tell them to.  There was something about the way Aiden said 'thanks' that night.  He meant it.  He was genuine. He was happy. He was really thankful that he got the ornament and he knew it was something to be thankful for.  He is growing up each day.  He is becoming a boy.  He is perfection.  He is love.  He is amazing.

I am lucky.

Music

You ever hear a song and immediately get taken back to a moment in your life?  A moment that was not necessarily important or huge, but just a moment?  I swear music is like a time machine for me.  I hear songs and I am instantly taken back to a time in my life and reminded of something. 

Any time I hear the Titanic Theme Song I think of Leslie's funeral and when I hear a Garth Brooks song I think of her making up coordinating dance moves to match his words.  Anytime I hear KT Oslin I think of my mom and her sisters and usually think of our trips to South Padre.  When I hear Adele I think of my divorce and what a wonderful time that was.  Whenever Baby Got Back comes on the radio, I think of Shelly Simms, Annie Cosgrove and Nicole Wright (Hays) and I see them shaking their money makers. When I hear most country songs I think of Kyle.  I am pretty confident that we could create a country play list of songs that represent us, but most of "my people" aren't country fans....so don't worry I won't make you a Whitney loves Kyle CD for christmas. Whenever I hear Britney Spears I think of Amanda Larner and her minor obsession with that lady.  Whenever I hear Nelly's "Ride Wit Me" (yes, 'wit' not 'with') I think of Courtney Cohron and our dorm room freshman year.  When I hear any pop song nowadays I think of Sloane and picture her singing to it or think, 'Oh man, I bet Sloane would love this!'  Elton John makes me think of college and always playing him while Annie sat back in disgust (she still hasn't justified her dislike of him). Anytime I hear a Michelle Branch (bet you don't even remember her) song I think of Shelly Simms....guaranteed Shelly is googling that name as we speak :)

Music always puts me in a mood...good/bad/happy/sad. I like how music makes me want to tell a story.  It makes me want to share my moments in life with other people.  I like that my daughter has the same love for music as me.  When 'her songs' comes on the radio she lights up.  I love that about her.  I love that she will turn anything into a microphone and sing her little heart out. 

There are so many songs that make me think of a specific moment in time a specific place and specific emotion....does music do that to you?

Chicago and all 6 of us...

Kyle and I planned a quick weekend trip to Chicago for us and all four of our (Brady Bunch) kids.  We left on a Friday, around 4:30, and headed for Chi town.  We borrowed Gramma Lucy's van so I had the joy of driving a swagger wagon around for a couple of days.  I won't admit this to many people but I liked "the van"....yeah I said it, I liked it.  There was SO much room for the kids, so much room for me to move around in. It was nice, I won't be buying one tomorrow....or ever....but it was really nice.

So we got to Chicago around 7:00 and got checked into our room.  Aiden thought the room was AMAZING. It's funny how kids think hotel rooms are awesome.  It's also funny how adults think hotel rooms are awesome.  Here is what I see:

• a place that I don't have to clean.
• a place where I don't have to make the bed.
• a place where I don't have to wash the towels or the bedding.

As soon as we got there we got unloaded then went on the hunt for dinner.  Considering it was Friday at 7:30, you can imagine how crowded places were.  We found a place without a wait...California Pizza Kitchen.  It was good.  My kids ate.  Kyle's girls ate.  We ate.  We headed out on the town for a little bit before we got back to the hotel for the night.

The next day we got up, did breakfast then headed out for our PLANNED day.  Plan was:

1. museum of science and industry
2. ghirardelli chocolate factory
3. lincoln park zoo
4. outside concert (for the lights festival)
5. shopping
6. watch the lights festival parade

Here is what we did:

 

1. Stopped at Millennium Park to check out 'the bean'

 

2. Stopped for some photo opps

 

3. Headed to The Field Museum and Walked along Navy Pier

 

4. Went to the Field Museum (view from the front of that joint)

  

5. Checked out all the awesome stuff in the museum.  It was so interesting and all the kids really enjoyed it. Aiden loved the bones and dinosaurs.  Once we LEFT I learned about a HUGE children's area that we didn't find.  That place was endless.....
6. After the museum we ate hotdogs from a street vendor...so delicious (even when you're sober).
7. We walked back to Magnificent Mile and Bailey did a little shopping.  Kailyn, my kids, and I went back to the location of the outdoor concert.  This was a BRILLIANT idea until we got there. Somehow every other person in Chicago thought it would be a great idea to go to the same concert.  Once we fought through the crowd, we took a few back-roads  to a little less crowded area.
8. We met back up with Kyle and Bailey and headed to the Ghirardelli Chocolate Shop.

9. After all this business we worked our way back to the hotel and headed back to Indiana.

We learned a lot from the trip...like let's not go when it is the lights festival weekend.  But overall Kyle and I were really happy to be able to hang out with our kids and enjoy something that was new.  We didn't quite get to all the things on our itinerary, yet we had a great time.  I know that I am really looking forward to our next 'getaway'....hopefully KB feels the same way :)